Net: As cooler breezes blow and the uncompromising month of October begins, we devote the beginning of our column to transition.
OUR LAST “WELCOME BACK” LETTER
From Mr. Hyde: Ah, it is good to be back and to see the squirrels, freshmen and religious fanatics again! May the power of Network and NITWIT double every year (hail!). Net: Thank you. Since I really have no pressing concerns, I’ll make this short and sweet. Net: C’mon — why break character?
One: Doonesbury is back! HOORAY!!!
Two: Bizarro survives. I suggest a petition. We will not have any trouble getting 60,000 signatures and getting that “comic” banished from the Daily for good.
Three: We must remember, we were all freshmen once — stupid and inexperienced. Net: Now, of course, we’re all older, and still stupid, at least. Therefore it is alright to make fun of them and torture them in every possible way. Net: Now wait a minute. How would you like it if we applied that philosophy to BABIES! “Hey look, a newborn! Get out the thumbscrews!” Remember, we need to nurture our newest residents — let them know that they are welcome and safe here. We believe that children are the future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Hasta la victoria siempre! Net: Our sentiments exactly. And welcome back to you as well, Mr. Hyde. We look forward to a beautiful continued friendship.
And continuing our inevitable transition, we offer
OUR FIRST SQUIRREL LETTER
From Robosquirrel: Y’know, Network, after having recently become an alumnus, I thought I should contribute something to the “I graduated and you’re still here (nyeah nyeah nyeah-nyeah-nyeah) discussion, but as luck would have it, I’M STILL @##&%?! HERE!
Oh, don’t get me wrong, I graduated. (Believe it or not, bionic rodents do receive degrees from the U.) I made the mistake of running into the Armory to grab a stale pizza crust and have been trapped inside ever since. Net: Note to new readers — in this letter, University alumnus Robosquirrel is adopting the persona of a rodent for your entertainment value. Just wanted to make sure you were aware of that.
Goldy Gopher came to orchestrate my escape but was forced to rappel out of the complex without me by the Army ROTC. (See page three of Tuesday’s Daily.) He’s really a squirrel. Net: Note to new readers — Goldy has often been accused of being a squirrel. All charges have been denied. You mean that gopher costume doesn’t seem fake to you? You see? We’ve got you worshipping us already — even as you eye us suspiciously on the Mall!
Muahahahahahahahaha!
I hope this letter will cue my squirrel brethren to include a siege on the fortress in their plans for the secret infiltration of campus administration. (Hint, hint, guys!) I need to get out of here and back to the lab to work on the Yudof-Borg 2000. Net: We’re sure we’ll see your like again. Hasta …
A WORD OF ADVICE
From Mathlady: Dear Network, I’m having problems adjusting to going to classes again. It seems like it was just a few weeks ago that I was in lab, breaking equipment. Oh, wait, it was. I took summer classes, but it was just one class per session. It’s the juggling of different courses I can’t get used to. What should I do? Any advice? Net: Well, we are tempted to respond with the classic Timothy command to “Tune in, turn on and DROP OUT!” but we realize you’ve already invested a lot in tuition, and besides, you’re our audience. Think of your classes as a smorgasbord, a variety much improved upon your old, one-food fare. While the juggling may be difficult, it can also be exhilarating. A growing experience, even.
So please, embrace the hecticity. Join the hordes of students taking multiple classes — everyone’s doin’ it. And soon you’ll be part of the campus-wide jugglefest. And you won’t regret it. Take care, and let us know how it goes.
A RETORT
From Sammydog: Now, now Network, in regards to your comment about me being some cold heartless creature toward freshmen, I just have to put my two cents in. Net: Go ahead. We’re no more infallible than the Pope’s doctrine on homosexuals. Of course I didn’t laugh in this boy’s face for asking such a silly question, we laughed at him behind his back, the way everyone does around the U when a freshman makes a fool of himself. I would have to say, I come across pretty pleasant when telling them the computer lab is downstairs for the 100th time a day, and I’m pretty pleasant while passing out several maps hourly with circles around their classroom buildings.
What about the experience I had the very same day in which a freshman got angry and stormed out of our office when we didn’t have an answer for her within two seconds? Net: Be patient — she probably misses her mother. She seemed to be upset because we didn’t know where a classroom was on the first floor in our building when there never has been one!!! Net: Well, get one, duh! Those freshmen are paying record tuition — the least thing you can do is accommodate their temporal sense! Service for U — that’s what we’re all about.
