Net: Today’s sugar…

Net: Today’s sugar-dipped edition of Network is dedicated to all those sensitive guys (like the one we overheard today at lunch) out there who never receive any booty for being sensitive. You know the ones. The “good friends” of girls right after they break up with those “mean” guys. The calm and soulful guys who say, “He didn’t deserve you” and “You could do so much better than him,” yet are never chosen to be the girl’s next mate. So, ladies, next time that “good friend” of yours helps you through that traumatic breakup, don’t just say, “I wish all guys were like you,” give him a little sumthin’ on the side. Yeah, he’s pathetic, but HE FINDS YOU PLEASING. (This is not from the collective’s experience, as we have no trouble finding a member of whatever gender we happen to be into that particular day. You should see the crowds outside our door right now).
From Bushkeeper: I feel that I must delight you illustrious Networkians with my overwhelming knowledge on the subject of bush. Net: That they’re a sucky band? Through my work experiences and coursework here at the U, Net: So you’re a sophomore? I have found the proper way to trim bush. The idea is to cut out the old, dying, and diseased and leave the young vigorous parts to grow. This may leave an informally shaped bush but it will be a healthier one. Now I must get back to calculating how many ducks are needed to keep Lake Calhoun from freezing, for my physics class??? Net: Another damn duck management major Á Why don’t you get a real major like groundskeeping?

From Diva of Delights: Hey yo Net, Networkians, and especially Rencito … I understand that bushes should be trimmed and kept in shape in order to give the “yard” a better look. Net: Why did we just picture a ‘yard’ with pink flamingoes? I’ve been complimented plenty in that area. Net: “Hey! Nice bush!” However, you men really need to work on that too! As a chick who really digs to give the oral pleasure, Net: We will not be providing this person’s e-mail address either, not even for all the Roller-Racers in Toyland I don’t really enjoy getting the scraggly hairs in my mouth and ending up with a mouth full of it. Net: (Comment deleted for decency) It gets stuck in the back of your throat and … well, I won’t go too far into detail … Net: God forbid anybody do that in Network So, I suggest that more men consider trimming their areas to make it more “woman sound” down there. Not that I don’t have a lot of fun already, but a little trim would add the extra effect to allow you to receive an even more masterful blowjob! *Wink, wink*

From GiantOtterRider: Because of Rencito‘s foolish preference of no/short bush expressed recently, I feel the need to rain some knowledge down on his (“her” would be cooler) ass. Bush, although extremely nauseating when out of control (you know what I’m talking about if your computer has ever been “bearded” Net: Oh, yeah Á our computer Á got bearded Á uh Á it was cool or something. THE HELL? by someone) is a necessary element for comfortable banging of the gong. You see, Rencito, the hairs act as small ball bearings, Net: Preventing viscosity and thermal breakdown? reducing friction “when bodies start slappin.” Without the bush, bad, very bad, friction burns can occur. Heaven forbid that you cut down your own forest, because the problem will only get worse. However, golden beaver Net: A gopher? expertise comes from experience, and who can blame the poor bastard for trying to act like a swinger? Speaking of playas … what’s up, Nasty McShasty? Also, I have a late entry into the Internetastrophe Contest held last year: Take her easy, Net, and if she’s THAT easy, take her twice. Piece aut. Go Gophers!

From Rencito: This is an addendum to my earlier Pubic Hair Manifesto. First, I would like to start off by asking Network to forward me razorfriend‘s e-mail address. Net: Not for all the Boddingtons in England If not, I will just have to hope to run into her at the razor section of the Harvard Market. Net: Yeah, they really do have the best razor selection and pricing in the metro area Anyways, this addendum is focused on men’s practices. It is equally disgusting to discover massive amounts of pubic hair longer than the hair on my head in the urinals around campus. Are these people stuck in some sort of 1970s time warp? Long pubic hair is out. Net: *Gasp* That means braided pubic hair is out too? *Frenzied cutting noises* Short or no pubic hair is in. I am providing a public Net: or pubic service by educating people about the ills of untamed pubic hair. In doing so, sexually active people everywhere will benefit by being well-groomed and not having to suffer through the uncomfortable situation of asking their partner to invest in some Bics. As far as the issue of manageability (yes, that is a word), Net: If it passes spell-check, we don’t care it is no more difficult to manage than shaving your legs (women) or shaving your face (men). If you have problems with irritability, try some cocoa butter lotion. Not only does it add a nice scent it also keeps it moisturized. That’s it for today’s lesson.

From ThatGirlWhoAlwaysWearsSandals: Dear Net, What does Rencito know about being a woman? Nothing, apparently. Women don’t by definition shave their legs/armpits; it’s unnecessary. If there’s time, sure, but during midterms? Net: Probably better to spend the time actually answering the questions No way. During finals? Not a chance. We’ve better things to do with our time than remove natural hair. Next: pubic hair serves a purpose, a very valuable one at that: Net: It catches Dorito crumbs when eating naked to protect our sensitive nether regions from the irritating pokiness of the male genitalia & pubic hair. It provides a buffer. While I’m all for trimming (not that there’s anything wrong with letting it go wild), shaving ITCHES. Plus, I have yet to experience any lack of attention due to the length of my pubic hair. *ahem* ‘Nuff said. Net: Indeed.

Net: Wisconsin will lose
Hockey hockey win the day
Don Lucia hooray!

Cheese and ice don’t mix
Sconnies have intercourse with
Anything that moves