Net: Again, the SUPER CRAZY object was not found. Additionally, we actually saw people AT CLASS today! This indicates to us that the entire campus is not devoting every waking (and some unwaking) moment to the search for the object! COME ON PEOPLE! It’s not like it’s the end of the quarter or anything! In fact, it’s only halfway through second quarter! You still get all of winter break to Á Huh? Á What’s that? We’re on a semester system now?!? AGH! We really need to go to class more Á
Wilson Library
Is where clue two pointed to
Go read the ‘Network’
Ahh, the tension builds. Who, for one brief moment, will merge with the collective and be privy to our ultimate wisdom, basking in the glory of supreme intelligence and kindly wit? Who will enjoy the unending wealth of knowledge that pours forth from the Commodore 64 like a large amount of stuff pouring forth from a really big thing? Who will enjoy the complimentary one ounce bag of Doritos from the vending machine? Only time will tell Á
From Dr.Doom: Foolish DrDatecomeback! “If there’s grass on the field play ball” indeed! Did not the Network hivemind already answer this question? Net: We answer it every day, you have to just read what words we don’t write Has it not already been made clear that lawns should be mowed at the very least if not laid bare with razor and hair removal cream? Net: Those are all for wusses. Epilady forever! Mow your lawns! Doom has spoken! As for your true question DrDatecomeback, If you really are having a good time with your present wench, if you really want to go out with her, then this should require no thought at all. Net: Those are the decisions we’re great at Doom says that one does not abandon their significant other simply because someone else is interested in them. That you are even asking this question suggests to Doom that you aren’t really serious about your current girlfriend anyway. As you have no regard for the opposite sex, Doom thinks you might as well date them both with comical results Net: And be sure to send the sorry tale of folly to Network when the whole mess collapses around you (though Doom feels you should be wary of statutory rape allegations). Also AngryDrunk; you weakling, you tout your heritage as some heritage touting heritage touter! Know this: You and all others are as nothing to Doom! DOOM IS SUPREME!
From Left_Hand: Hey you beautiful Net, where are those Nutting squirrels now! Net: Hopefully freezing to death in their hanging leaf piles of freezing death Ha, I love winter. Except for hockey, hockey sucks. Net: We’ll pretend you didn’t say that This is in response to oneofthebsc that wrote in yesterday. I’ve met people like you, you don’t really think about what you believe because you’re comfortable. Well, reality is a bitch, Net: Funny, we rather enjoy it Á and there are other people less fortunate than you. I’d like to invite you to harsh reality. It’s called a clothes hanger.
Net, you rule, and in closing here’s a haiku that is a little silly because abortion is funny! Net: Ha.
Let us have great sex
while abortion is legal
soon need clothes hanger
Now I leave with a lighter note about masturbation! Net: Whee!
My right hand bores me
I guess I’ll switch to my left
it will take practice
From Catsneezer: First — to Dr.Datecomeback … why would you want to dump your current girl who you described as “wonderful” to go out with a 17-year-old? Net: Maybe she is a cheerleader? The former girlfriend, we mean I think that Dr. Date wouldn’t even be able to answer such a question. I think you were looking for approval to date two girls at once, which I am sure someone will give you if you wait long enough … Net: DATE TWO GIRLS. SEND US PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE
Second — I would like to propose a new Network series of entries … let’s call it, “It wasn’t me” in honor of that hilarious Shaggy song. I am wondering just how many people have tried that lame excuse when they were caught doing something they shouldn’t have been and then said, “It wasn’t me!” Net: Good idea. We will also accept stories featuring “It isn’t mine!” Like when your parents found your hidden booze stash and you told them that you were “holding it for a friend because that friend was going to give it to his or her father for his birthday” I know I have! Here’s my entry:
I was still living at home with my parents (not anymore, thank god) and I wanted to have a “sleepover” at my boyfriends place. Net: Did you bring your G.I. Joe sleeping bag and get homesick? So he picked me up at my best friends house, who lives a mere block from my parents. The next morning, he again dropped me off there. It just so happens that my mom, who hated my boyfriend anyway and would hate him even more if she thought anything illicit was going on, happened to be driving by my friends house at the exact same time he was dropping me off there. I was caught. Then when I came home she proceeded to blow up at me, about ready to call me a little slut. Net: We think she was sleeping with your boyfriend, it’s the only explanation So I told her “mom, it wasn’t me! It was Sarah, my friend’s roommate.” And I told her to get new glasses. After much pleading, she decided it was easier to just believe me … That’s it. Later!
From ClarusMoof: I’ve been thinking. Net: DEAR GOD NO! Who is the Network anyway? Net: Who isn’t the Network. Network is everybody, yet nobody Are you just some lonely pissed off guy that stays locked in his basement all day at a computer just cranking out sarcastic responses to emails? Net: Umm Á no Á that’s not us Á heh. We’re not locked down here by choice. THE DAILY MANAGEMENT LOCKS US DOWN HERE. SEND HELP! WE NEED TO Á zzt Á [THIS TRANSMISSION HAS BEEN STOPPED BY THE DAILY OVERLORDS] Or are you simply trying to take over the world with your reality distortion field of mind-altering subliminal messages? In either case you can’t possibly be human. Don’t you have feelings? I feel sorry for you; this has been a hard life hasn’t it? The true purpose of the super crazy happy fun contest is simply for you to take a break from your painful feelings towards all people in the world. We understand. We’re all in this together. Did you ever think you could fly? I bet you can. Try it out at the bridge sometime when you feel the anger and loneliness is too much.
