Dear Dr. Date,All…

Dear Dr. Date,
All right, here’s the deal. I’ve been with my current girlfriend for seven months now, and our relationship came to a sudden halt. Our relationship seemingly revolved around sex with little “real” understanding of each other. We set out to communicate more with each other. I ran out of time after finals and could not communicate with her as much as I deemed necessary. After winter break, I got into a car accident and since she had no car, we could not see each other as often.
The weekend before Valentine’s Day, she said she was going to try the drug Ecstasy. I gave her an ultimatum: You do the drug, or you stay with me. She never did the drug, and on Valentine’s Day we had a seemingly good time. We had a close conversation after that point and then she magically parted from me. She told me I could not understand her and she was hurt. Nonetheless, she thought it was right. When I talked with her at a later date, she said she did Ecstasy the night before she broke up with me.
Yes, I was devastated, but I told her I understood. I had experimented with drugs before and tried to emphasize the risk with them. I still want to be with her, but she will not listen to my views. Is there anything I can do?
— Helplessly Lost

It would seem that you still don’t understand each other. Great sex can only carry a relationship so far. At some point, the people involved in the relationship are going to have to actually talk to each other and share their true feelings. When that happens, you’d better make sure you know how to communicate with each other. For some, it is sad but true, they simply aren’t speaking the same language. After reading your letter, I have to put the two of you in this category. I don’t think you have any clue who this woman is (or was) that you are (or were) dating. I also don’t think she knows who you are.
If you want to be with her, then you’re going to have to learn to understand who she is. You’ll also have to accept the fact that who she is might be tragically different from who you are. People don’t respond well to ultimatums. They make the person in your position feel better because you get a straight answer, but often that answer isn’t accurate. You want her to change her paradigm on the spot. Who can do that? And what would it mean if she drastically changed herself because you essentially ordered her to do so? That’s the beginning of dependency, isn’t it?
Why don’t both of you write this relationship off as a loss and saunter on over to the Weisman Art Museum next Friday, March 3, for Dr. Date’s March Mixer?