HAPPY VETERANS DA…

HAPPY VETERANS DAY
Net: We’d say “Happy Armistice Day,” but reader surveys show that World War I vets are a very small part of our demographic. But we would like to acknowledge our nation’s veterans before we begin. Hey, what can you say when most of your correspondents are Generations X and Y? Might be time to bring back the draft …
But we digress. Today we have more on fraternities and equal opportunity rants against University colleges. In the words of the late, great Buddy Holly, “rave on … “

CARLSON CONUNDRUMS

From The Subliminal G-Man: Hello to everyone in Networkland. Net: Hello. I have some gripes and general observations to share. I am a 5th year senior (insert wise-ass comment) and have been around long enough to finally let the folks know what pisses me off. I’m a student in the Carlson School of Management, and at first I really enjoyed the school and thought it was a great place to get a degree. Now it makes me sick just to go to the building and be around business students. I’m a business student, and I can’t stand them. Net: Looks like 7th-year CLA is in your future. Either that, or a rewarding life in nonprofits. The majority of them are elitist punks who think they’re God’s gift to the business world, when in reality they will be herded like cattle into the entry level world of the companies that pump money into the school. Net: Moo — give us our paychecks. No individualism, no real personality, just the fake bullshit they try to pull over the eyes of recruiters at interviews. Net: And your point is … You’re in BUSINESS school. What did you expect?
The big shots at Carlson ponder and bitch because their precious rankings plummeted into the toilet, but I see the reason vividly. The school is run by the few companies that helped build the school, and the administration caters to the companies, not the students who pay the overpriced tuition and computer fee.
One more thing, I turn more and more homicidal every time a message from UGSDESK enters my e-mail, which is about every 10 minutes. To those students who feel like me, let the world know. If you don’t, then ………………….
Thanks for your time.

ITIRE

From Grrrrrl: I walked into this fine university with bright eyes and a bushy tail (despite my femi-Nazi beliefs), but IT has stripped me of everything innocent and pure. Net: Well, somebody had to. It is a sinister department, and I believe the letters IT truly stand for Institute of Torture, or perhaps Institute of Trash, as my Taiwanese friend suggested. Both are apt descriptions.
Despite what IT upperclassmen may say (victims of IT’s diabolic program of indoctrination), IT is not a technophile’s Shangri-La — it is, in fact, the place where all hope dies Net: Maybe you’d be happier in Carlson — we hear individualism is really cultivated over there, where dreams are shattered, where a girl’s innocence is wrenched from her by a merciless and satanic organization. I am here to speak out against the relentless rape of IT students by that infernal college. Net: OK — good to know you have a purpose. NEXT!!!

WHAT PRICE FRIENDSHIP?

From Kevin J. Mork to Feeble Wookie: Ay, our dear G.D.I. (for those of you who don’t know, that’s GOD DAMN INDEPENDENT). You are sorely mistaken about your figures for what it actually costs us fraternity brothers to “buy” our friends. My friends are FAR more expensive than $800 a quarter. Man, if I could get off that cheap it would be great, and my parents would be very happy. In fact, to be in my elite group of friends you would have to fork out $1,500 per quarter. Yes, that’s right. Net: But hey — you get free admission to all the coolest parties. I don’t know who you know who forks out only half that, but that person is getting quite a good deal.
As a matter of fact, you can easily spend more than what I pay per quarter, and I must say that it is totally worth it! Net: A wide array of baseball caps! Fashionable yellow coats! And all the Miller you can drink! Yours for a mere $1,500!!!! Actually, the reason we charge so much is to make sure people like yourself will never be on our composites and enjoy our brotherhood.
SO THERE, YOU FOOL!! HA, HA, HA!! Greeks rule! Net: No, Independents rule! No — GREEKS RULE!! NO!!!! You can see where this debate is going. We’ll cut it off while you’re still paying attention.
(You’re still paying attention — aren’t you?)
And finally …

FLASH!!!!

From Someone Who Has Seen Too Much: I walked out of my home yesterday afternoon, and as I looked to my right I saw this man’s back. But that’s not all I saw. I also caught a glimpse of where his shirt met his pants, but the thing is, they didn’t meet.
In between I saw some skin and a fat crack Net: Ah-ha! An AFSCME member!, and I thought that if I had my pants like that, would I be comfortable? “Hell no!” First of all, it’s so uncomfortable having a draft coming up your butt, and second, it’s not very appealing. What the hell do these people do to be comfortable with a half-ass flash every time they bend over? Is it a genetic comfortability?
I’ve seen quite a lot of half-ass flashes in my day, and let me tell you, it’s not in the office. I see it mainly when I go past construction sites and see all these grubby guys, bending over and flashing. Do they enjoy the feeling? Do they need new clothes? Even a belt? There are ways of keeping your pants up, if you didn’t know. Net: True — but why conform to societal expectations when teleological fulfillment and eudaimonic expression is only a crack away? Or something like that. We’re sympathetic, Someone. And if anyone else needs support, that’s what we’re here for. So go forth, tenderly but tenaciously. And have a nice day.