Net: OK, we know we’re never gonna hear the end of it, but we decided — in our infinite wisdom — to run a letter talking about squirrels. We know this has been talked to death before, but we are sure that there are some of the younger folks that have never had the pleasure of subjecting themselves to the utter nonsense of squirrel-related material. Keep in mind, however, that we will not tolerate large amounts of rodent-specific mail.
Put this in your bong and smoke it Á
NUT BASTARDS
From ScRuffy_: Well, it has been quite a while since I last wrote in (last year as a matter of fact) and I was going to keep it that way until I noticed something that I just had to bitch about: Squirrels. Net: We get so many bitches. Isn’t anybody just blissfully happy with all that surrounds them? These plague-infested rodents have been eating and (defecating) all over campus. They are everywhere. It is like campus is their own personal bathhouse. They are (engaging in the physical act of coitus) all over the place and popping out babies like Madonna. Net: Well, what can we do to fix this? Now, you might be asking yourself: “Well, ScRuFfy_, what can I do to fix this?” Well, the answer is simple. If you see a squirrel, or better yet two squirrels (engaged in hot, passionate love-making), or even better, a nest of baby squirrels: Go run them down and stomp them to death. Net: I bet we could get marketing to sponsor a Minnesota Daily Super Squirrel Death Day. Every dead squirrel you bring to the Daily earns you a point. The person with the most points wins a free pair of tickets to Cirque de Soliel They don’t deserve to be alive. They are rodents. What good do they do for the well-being of this campus? Nothing. They should all die. However, they need not die in vain. I figure that each squirrel could easily become one half of a squirrel mitten. Now who wouldn’t want some nice fluffy squirrel mittens? Certainly not I.
So what have we learned today? Net: Only you can prevent squirrel coitus All of us need to kill the (poop-making), (fornicating), plague-infested rodents before they turn our campus into their own little squirrel resort. By killing all the squirrels you will not only get some nice warm mittens for the cold Minnesota winter, but you will also get to piss off those dirty animal rights people. Net: Yeah, we should vivisection them too! And anyone who was here last year should get a lot of pleasure out of that. Oh, and by the way, RADIOHEAD IS THE MOST INNOVATIVE AND CREATIVE BAND TO DATE. NAME ONE ALBUM BETTER THAN “OK COMPUTER.” Net: “Meatloaf — Bat Out of Hell” COME ON, I DARE YOU. Obviously “the collective” has absolutely no sense for great music. Net: Correct.
YOUR FAVORITE BAND SUCKS
From Batteriesnotrequired: Concerning “president weasel” All right, I must agree with you about the fact that Pearl Jam is a very good band; however, you and the net shall be beaten for the remark about Creed. Where were you four years ago when Creed came out with their first CD? Why all the bitchin’ about them now? I think it is outrageous to say Creed is a bad band. How long has their record been on the top ten? Net: About as long as Ms. Spears Oh, say, about 52 weeks, and still at number 6. Hmmm think you should get some taste of real music. I, too, am a fan of Pearl Jam and what Creed said about Pearl Jam was unprecedented. For this reason, Creed has kicked out the bassist who made such a preposterous remark. Why, oh why do you have to make my day so much more bleak? Especially you, Net, Net: Hey, we’re just the messenger for agreeing with such a narrow minded Neanderthal? Creed is such a powerful band; it caused my friend and I to rack up many miles on my car, driving out to Woodstock in New York to see them and to Indiana Net: They must be powerful to make you go to *gasp* Indiana last spring break. And all this for what? I get the best orgasm that a woman could ever have, without even a man’s touch! Net: We don’t believe this. Please send photographic and/or videotaped proof And you tell me that Creed sucks. Minnesota men actually suck. Thank you. That is all for now.
From DirkDiggler: Network, I have written upon you to bitch about the most explicit waste of tax dollars I have ever seen in my life: Net: Highway construction? The Carlson School of Management. It all started four weeks ago when I entered this building for the first time of my life. I was amazed at how clean a University building could actually be! Net: They re-carpet it every night I spent the first couple years here taking general IT courses in the EE Building, Smith Hall, and the ready-to-implode Science Classroom Building. But whose ass did these people have to kiss to get such a nice building? Net: Hmmm Á let us think Á Carlson, perhaps? Second impression, everyone goddamn guy in there was wearing a DKNY shirt (with matching dress pants of course Net: Light blue dress pants?), Bruno Magli shoes, and walking around smiling holding a tall mocha expresso with a lid on it. How much of a wuss can you possibly be? Four weeks have passed, and most of them sit through class with the “have you seen my baseball?” look on their Noxema-soaked faces. And these kids don’t know anything? All of these test are T/F, or multiple choice! Net, if you were an employer Net: We’ve been looking to hire a personal masseuse, which would you rather hire, 1) A nice IT student that knows a mandatory two years of calc and one year of physics plus, or someone that knows how to color-coordinate their clothes? Net: Whichever one is cuter and more female.
From The Bike Stud: Dear Net, thank you for not sucking so much this year. Net: No prob Not like the year before last year when you sucked it way. But really, that un-stud Flash must be put in his place. Much like the rabid suicidal squirrel that was clinging to the screen window on my third floor apartment, Flash has got issues. If Flash had the bike control that he is so envious of, nay, if only he could ride a bike, he would be navigating himself through this treacherous path he traverses daily. Net: We believe he was walking. He got hit by a bike. Hey, Flash, hope you don’t get stopped by the man for freestyle walking on your way back to the pussy house you live in. I can’t tell you how many hot ladies out there dig big studs on bikes Net: We can’t tell you either, ’cause they don’t exist. The ladies love the Roller-Racer, however, so watch your foul mouth, ya NUT sucker. I get at least one chick to bag me every time I rear wheel hop a dipNut like you. And to any one out there ready to bandy about the name dipNUTS, be ready for a bike tire in your ass. Net: ZUH? Why again did we print this letter?
