Some advice for clueless fashion victims

I’m not the most fashionable guy in the world. Nevertheless, since some fashion trends are so aesthetically reprehensible they become moral issues, someone needs to speak up.

First, to all the teenage boys out there: Pull your goddamn pants up! If you haven’t heard, “crack” is illegal, and I certainly don’t want to see yours. It’s as if girls are going to swoon because your jeans are sagging so low it looks like you “let the dogs out” in your pants. There are these new things called “belts.” Ask your mom about them.

Maybe wearing sagging pants is your way of declaring, “Look, my mom doesn’t dress me anymore! I will now show you I am a man in charge of my own destiny by wearing my pants at half-mast!” Perhaps it’s your way of saying, “I am now an individual, and I shall now wear my pants below my butt like all my peers.” Then again, maybe generation X-1 just simply has no butt to hold the pants up. I don’t really care to speculate.

To rant in the spirit of gender equality, let me say this to all the girls: Enough with the bell-bottoms! There’s a reason they went out of style. Do you remember butterfly collars and eight-track tapes? Exactly! Believe me, you’ll look at pictures of yourself five years from now and want to shred and burn every one.

I really think you can discern the age of a girl by the size of her bell-bottoms. These pants should come with an age of consent, probably 120 or something. I suggest that all girls with bell-bottoms be subjected to several straight hours of the Brady Bunch marathon. Only after they experience the narcissistic-induced neuroses of “Marsha, Marsha, Marsha” will they come to understand.

Yet there are other obnoxious styles of pants. Big tree-trunk pants — these are big enough to smuggle a family of dwarves in one pant-leg. Do you really need this much legroom? When I’m sitting in coffee shops conceiving inane articles like this one, I often see these huge pant legs slide by, and I have to restrain thoughts of violent paternalistic pummeling. And these cargo-pants — do you really need all of these pockets? Do you seriously have that much to carry? If your daily life necessitates more than four pockets, get yourself a backpack. One more — Capri pants. No complaint. These are not for guys, however.

Let me state the obvious regarding Spandex: Spandex is a privilege, not a right. Spandex is a wonderful material, but by design, it was made for accentuating the bodily figure, not for vainly attempting to contain it. I’m not trying to be insensitive; I’m merely pointing out the function of this fashion.

Some fashions should not be abused. Just as you can’t wear bras sans shirts or underwear as outerwear, the intention of Spandex needs to be respected. I could also point out that men can go topless while women cannot, but I’m vehemently against this shameless double standard as a sexist, patriarchal oppression of women. Write your members of Congress.

My last rant is about tattoos. What was once a vigilante anti-social fashion is now reserved for every 16-year-old girl with parental consent. Fashion is fleeting; tattoos are not. Now when your body is young, nubile, succulent … sorry, lost my train of thought.

My point is that what looks like a little butterfly, little daisy or little sea-turtle now will look like a discolored stingray, torturous weed or still an ugly sea-turtle several years from now.