Net: Say it ain’t so.
Have we indeed been duped? We can hardly believe it’s true, but even our rose-colored glasses could not shield our innocent eyes from such sordid facts. A member of Network’s seedy underbelly somehow saw fit to pull the proverbial wool over our virtual-reality goggles, and today we sit stunned before our Commodore 64 (complete with rollbar and a recently applied sticker of Calvin pissing on the Chevy logo). We have been Smooved over, if you will, and we are not pleased.
Smoove MoFo, you should know we co-opted this piece of back-page real estate for one reason, and one reason alone: to give the citizenry a forum for dissemination of that which might not normally find a home on the “Letters to the Editor” page (Eliot Lippe notwithstanding). We opened our doors to you in good faith, but you have forsaken us with your squalid doings. Shame on you and yours.
A MoFo you might be, but Smoove you are not. What once was open to you is now closed. In exile you shall remain until penance is achieved.
One more thing: We are serious.

From Lemuel’s Disciple in response to Smoove MoFo: Plagiarism. Blatant, outright plagiarism. For all of you that read the Monday installment of Network, Net: And why the hell would anyone have done that? you probably ran across an entry from Smoove MoFo. Let the truth be heard, Smoove MoFo is an outright ripoff. It’s ri-god-damn-diculous. He simply cut and pasted the entire letter he wrote from The Onion. Net: Our investigation indicates this is not necessarily the case, but we welcome any super sleuths out there to prove otherwise. Hard copy only, please. Anyone from the Madison, Wisc., area knows damn well that this uncreative dirtbag did not write that letter. Net: One need not be the Drunk of the Week to know this is the case. Not one paragraph, not one sentence, not even one fricking WORD was written by him. It was all a word-for-word ripoff of a regular article featured in The Onion. Net: This will not help us in our desire to be hired by said rag. Smoove B is the name of the original author. Obviously the original was written by someone else using the Smoove B character, but at least The Onion made it up. Net: So you’re saying Zweibel isn’t a real guy? Sheesh … the next thing you’ll tell us is “Cops” is based on a true story. It was original. The letter that Smoove MoFo submitted was a direct copy of Smoove B‘s article, “Get Smooved.” Now, while that exact article is not in the online archives of The Onion, other Smoove B articles can be found there. Go to and you will find the similarities to be REMARKABLE!!! People, fight this low-life with me. If he is to submit his own material, Net: Maybe Backfence is looking for material … so be it. But it is obvious that this guy is the Antichrist of Playas and this is the only way he can vent his frustrations for lack of getting women. This bastard deserves to be lynched. If you know who he is, Net: We do, but some Networkian policies are unassailable, like the one that discourages rabid mob-think let me know; I want to give his pansy-ass a whupping in the name of my hero, the one and ONLY … Smoove B.

From Ecofemme: My dearest, ubiquitous Net: Watch your language Network: I have long been an admirer of your denizens’ wit and wisdom (or lack thereof), and have often longed for your random ejaculations within my prose Net: Quite possibly the most well-worded innuendo ever to appear in Network. Our hat is off to thee, wee lass … Alas, I have never toughened up enough to actually set down any lines for you, my love. Until, of course, that roguish cur Smoove MoFo appeared!! Anyone hailing from Milwaukee, Madison, Boulder Net: Even Mork? or anywhere thereabouts, and anyone who has seen the light, is familiar with the wonderfully satiric, monstrously swell newspaper The Onion. Mayhaps these anyones are also familiar with the velvety love musings off the swooningly articulate tongue of Smoove B, a regular contributor to The Onion’s hallowed pages. Net: How does one get hired as “Love Man,” anyway? To you, I say, rise up!! Gather your mud and prepare to sling!! For Smoove MoFo‘s wanna-be lovin’ is a fraud, an utter rip-off of our beloved B!!! Even the focker’s NAME is jacked!! My dear, misguided Network, how I grieve for you!! Net: Don’t cry for us, Ecofemme. The truth is we never … oh, never mind. You have been the unwitting victim of a vile duping. I only hope my insight has not come too late … Net: Only if you think an entry about how the Civil War could threaten the very fabric of American culture might be considered “timely.”

To Rollerdiva from Yngwie: I’ll make this short. Net: Not too short … we’ve got another six inches to fill. Yes, there are people getting laid on this campus other than yourself, Rollerdiva. Net: From Rolla we expect this sort of lurid behavior. But from “other people?” The horror of it all. I’m coming along well, thanks for asking. However, I have to wonder why you are making this plea. It sounds like you are not rocking the casbah Net: Five bucks to the first person who can explain the lyrics of that song to us as much as you would like, your view to the contrary. If you were such a quality shag, would you really need to advertise in Net? Net: Perhaps she’s simply trying to bolster the recruiting pool. To me, it sounds like you are getting sick of your Hitachi Pleasure Wand and you seek some poor man to use, and you are doing this with a little reverse psychology. Net: Not around here, she is. You were rewarded, and I bet Monday’s entry from that poor geek Smoove will tide you over. Just so everybody out there knows, if a person is asking for sex in Net or the City Pages, they are not exactly grade-A beef. Net: You’re absolutely right, as far as you know. They are probably wankers who think that a cool thing to do on a Friday night is hang out at Walter Library. Net: Never underestimate the seductive power of the Stacks. And sorry, ladies, you can’t touch this Scandinavian beast. I’m already taken. Net: And we are likewise taken with you.