Net: A New Daily Order is upon us, and not a single reaction spews forth from Networkian denizens? May malediction consume your very souls, and may vermin consume your ramen.
WELCOME BACK, FODDER
From Bea Yatch: I am soooo glad you guys Net: Odd, that you imply there is more than one all-powerful Net. Yay, tho ye will face thou moment of judgment. Or something like that are back! Let’s face it, the two most perused portions of the Daily are you and the crossword. Net: A living, breathing being, described merely as a “portion.” Now we know how not-so-well-endowed men must feel. The Strib and the Pioneer Press have decent crosswords, but way too many French words — and those French spell everything wrong, don’t they? Net: We’ve often surmised — when we’re in a surmising mood, mind you — that these words are not in fact embraced by the Language of Love, but rather concocted for the purpose of dropping the self-described “smart” people a few notches on the egometer. Besides, I miss the REAL issues! The aforementioned papers have presented us with nothing but stories brought to you by the letter ‘duh!’ “Lack of snow due to less moisture in air” or “Gun blamed in shooting death” — Aaaaargh! I want real s##!t! Net: Then you’re hangin’ on the wrong campus, wethinks. Like, why Onestop sucks donkey poo, Net: Onestop is so bad, it doesn’t suck. It merely sips. and why there haven’t been any riots over Parking and Transportation Services, yet people have risked their lives upon Moos Tower to protest animal testing. Don’t you people know that when many animals are forced to inhabit a very small area, they go frickin’ nuts and devour each other? Net: And now you understand why house parties are a breeding (!?) ground for myriad icky diseases. Truly, Parking and Transportation Services are trying to do the same to us, leaving us foaming at the mouth as if we had just seen a yummy, condensation-speckled can of Surge set on a table with 50 or so haphazardly arranged couches in front of it! Oooh! Oh. Um, back to the animal thing … Net: Oooh! Oh. Huh? So yeah, re-divert your protesting spirit toward something useful, noble and meaningful … need a little help? Here goes: Suuuuuuurge! Net: Don’t knock the Coke Y2K? YNOT?
products, bucko. They’re payin’ the bills.
From Obi: OK. For starters, I’m not gonna mention anything about that 2K thing. It’s like so … 1999 or whatever. Net: Gag us with a microchip. So what am I gonna talk about then? The cure for the common cold? Net: Chicken soup, ginger ale and a steady supply of the E! Channel, we’ve found, will cure just about anything that ails ya. The guy that bought MIR and is turning it into a resort in space? Net: You mean Papa Net? Nope, not those either. Instead, I’m gonna babble on about that already familiar and always rehashed old topic of “I wish break would never end.” Net: We couldn’t agree more. After all, we’re so bloody broke that we can’t afford to take classes this quarter. But lucky us, we’ve got two happy incompletes to, well, complete. So bring it on, baby! Hmm, on second thought, naw. Oh, but I do have something really cool to talk about! I finally got my demigod status! I’m working under the current God of Strife. Net: So are the construction folk, we hear. Eventually, I’ll replace that aging immortal as the New God of Strife. Oh, what fun that’ll be! Yes, I’ve given up my Jedi ways: I mean, you can really only just move rocks and stuff. Net: And read minds. And you know what that means … Oh, wait. What the hell does that mean? So from now on, I would like to be referred to as Demigod Strife. Or Strife for short; the big guy’ll never know. TTFN. Net: Request denied. Word has come down from our part-time temporary Vice Chancellor of All Things Viscous, Frabjous Bandersnatch, that as long as you linger in Networkia, you shall be U, WE AND THE GOD-CARD
known as Obi. TBFY.
From Kittysmack: All hail Network … Net: Yadda, yadda, yadda. I have noticed a small problem at the University. I remember back to freshman orientation where all the orientation leaders were raving about how the U Card here is the God-Card of all … Net: Yeah, we remember that. And then she hit on us. Whatta day It’s a student ID, a library card, a phone card, an ATM card and look here, there is a little strip where you can store up to $50 on it; We call it Gopher Gold. Net: Yeah, but what do they call it? Now, in theory, it is a cute idea. Sure, if you don’t have cash in your pocket, you can pick up an overpriced pop or an outrageously priced piece of candy. It even lets you pay for copies. Here’s the problem … Net: If you think this is a problem, wait until the dollar coins show up in March. I discovered the other day that I have 63 cents on my Gopher Gold. What can I do with 63 cents? Net: Rent a mule in Mexico? I can make seven copies and then have 7 cents left, but what good is 7 cents? Net: You can feed a hungry child in a Third World country for only 7 cents a day, so says Sally Struthers. This problem could be solved if it were possible to put coins into the cash-to-card machines, but no … they only accept paper money — they even take a check! Net: The bastards! The only way I can figure out to remedy this problem (I figure) is if I put $5 on my card, bringing my total to $5.07. I would have to purchase six cans of pop at the going rate of 65 cents, two copies at the going rate of 8 cents and one bottle of pop for 85 cents. Then my total would be zero, a respectable amount. Net: Like the old saying goes, you’ve gotta spend money to lose money. I, however, am disgruntled about paying 65 cents for a can of pop, and I don’t think I’ve purchased six cans of pop from the machines. Net: Allyagottado is stand up on a table, pound your chest, and bellow, “Who wantsa Coke?! The Big Man’s a-buyin’!” This whole thing would be solved if we could put coins into the cash-to-card machine. Net: So many problems, so little relevance.