In the past week, the screeching voices of girls screaming for Pedro have been echoing all over Dinkytown.
The man — or boy, rather — they’re moaning for is Pedro “The Zoo” Surano, and his baseball abilities and damn good looks have allowed him to cash in at the young age of 13.
Adopted from the Dominican Republic just four months ago by a group of seven male University students, Pedro was groomed into a shortstop by day and a ladies man by night.
“The first time we saw him, we said to ourselves, ‘Damn he looks like he can play,'” said Fraze, one of Pedro’s dads. “And we weren’t just talking about baseball either. He is a player with the hotties as well.”
Earlier this week, the seven students unleashed Pedro from their Dinkytown house and introduced him to the world.
In a span of just six hours following a pair of tryouts, Pedro signed two multi-million dollar contracts; one with the Minnesota Twins, the other with Abercrombie for the Rich.
“We expect him to step onto the field next year and start every game for us,” Twins manager Tom Kelly said. “He’s also going to be on the cover of every game program and media guide, so we can market his chick-drooling good looks.”
The deal with the Twins was said to be a 10-year, $253 million deal — making him the highest paid athlete ever by over a million bucks.
Of course he won’t be able to spend all the money himself, so Pedro plans on giving the rest to his seven dads, who he says are the main reasons for his success.
“They brought me here, taught me how to hit the curveball and gave me my lady-macking lessons,” Pedro said. “I can’t think of a better life than playing baseball and hitting on women. I thank all seven of them from the bottom of my heart.”
The seven all plan to drop out of the University of Minnesota and buy side-by-side mansions on Lake Minnetonka — far more than they expected when they signed the adoption papers in September.
“It started as an idea to make a little extra cash to pay for beer and pizza,” said Mike D, another father of Pedro. “We would have been happy if he made just $20,000 to play for the St. Paul Saints.”
But don’t fear, his seven fathers still plan on being Pedro’s guardians, while putting the money to good use.
“He gave as much to us as we gave him,” said Doogie, a third father. “We’re going to open a chain of Pedro’s around the Twin Cities metro area.”
“Pedro’s is a restaurant that will feature the state’s best food, beer and women, as well as a place to watch Pedro’s every move on the baseball diamond,” added Kylemily, a fourth dad, who is attached at the hip with Pedro’s mother figure.
Zack, Pedro’s only estranged father, however, plans to use the money to bet on the Twins in Vegas.
“They are the lock of the year now,” Zack said.
If we understand this right, it’s illegal for Zack to bet on his own son’s team, but whatever.
So you girls out there are all asking yourselves, how do I get a little piece of Pedro lovin?
Well, it won’t be easy, Pedro’s got a girlfriend…and he certainly picked a good one.
Kristy, a 23-year-old blonde bombshell from Iowa City, is the lucky one who Pedro has been madly in love with since he first laid eyes on her on his first night on the town.
And she loves him just as much — we think.
“Hey, he’s got looks, money and plays baseball,” she said. “What else could a girl want?”
In today’s world, that’s about all most chicks can ask for, Kristy.
“And if things don’t work out,” she added. “I’ll do what my friend Erin said: ‘Eh, love em and leave em.'”
After doing his rounds on Letterman, Leno and TRL, Pedro’s immediate plans include bringing a World Series title back to Minnesota, while putting up numbers like fellow shortstops, Nomar and ARod.
As for his future beyond baseball and modeling, another father, DJ Joey, added he wants to see Pedro start a music career.
“He’s got a great voice,” DJ Joey said. “He will be the next Enrique Iglesias. Plus, we need someone to drown out Carter’s “Bye Bye Bye” impression.”
Wyclef John Carter welcomes comments at [email protected] whole.lotta.com