Net: The collective…

Net: The collective has noticed one more standard University specimen that ends up in all of our classes (along with the infamous THAT GUY). We’ll call this one the OLD NODDER. This is typically an older student (i.e. 30-40) who invariably sits in the exact center of the front row. The common characteristic of all OLD NODDERs is that they continuously nod affirmatively throughout the lecture in response to even the most inane or pointless fact spoken by the professor. Their nod is oftentimes accompanied by a quiet “Mmmhmm” or simply “Mmm.” A typical lecture:
PROF: “Today’s lecture will deal with Á”
OLD NODDER: *nods*
PROF: “Á the progression of East European Á”
OLD NODDER: *nods*
PROF: “Á garbage collection.”
OLD NODDER: *nods* “Mmm.”
Any other University sightings?


CELL DIVISION

From mackeroni: Hey there, Net. As far as Net entries go, there’s a topic that everyone has overlooked so far this year. Net: You mean it doesn’t deal with bikes? Cell phones. I’ve got one thing to say to everyone with a cell phone — TURN THE DAMN THINGS OFF IN CLASS!!!!! Net: But how we supposed to peep our tricks? The most annoying thing at the U, besides squirrels and instructors who can’t speak or read English, is hearing someone’s cell phone ring during class. Guess what? It gets worse. TWICE today, people actually answered their phones and had a conversation during class! Now, don’t get me wrong, we don’t want to hear the professor talk, but we sure as hell don’t want to hear you talking to someone about the latest problem in your life. Net: For that you’d read Dr. Date If anyone can justify not turning cell phones off in class, write in and I’m sure Net will be glad to print your attempt at challenging my superior intellect. So in conclusion, I’d just like to say, deez nuts. Net: Biotch.

UNIVERSITY CRAP-AGE

From Disgruntled Wheel: Network … oh boy oh boy … The University department of residential life and their slapNUT little rules are driving me crazy! Seriously! I am a Rollerblader … hence … I Rollerblade (makes sense right? Net: No, explain it again). The University Housing has a rule … you can’t Rollerblade on the carpets in their buildings. Net: Always look for the loophole. Can you Roller-race on the carpets? Makes sense if we are talking Armani carpets … but they feature quality rat hair shanty rugs. Net: In pleasing puke green and bruise purple! Well, at University Village there is nowhere on the outside for someone like myself to sit down and take off my blades. Net: How about Campus Grind? Oh, yeah Á they almost lasted two weeks There are, however, benches just inside the main door. So I swipe my nifty electronic thingy Net: Nothing like swipin’ your fob in front of the door, slide over 6 inches and sit on a bench to take off my blades. This however is obviously a sin to these full-time people (secretary and cleaning hags) so they proceed to yell at me and tell me that their little rule can not be broken and I will destroy their 50 cent rummage sale rug. So I say fine … get me a bench to sit on in the lobby and I will be happy to take them off there. They say no … so I guess I am supposed to pay more than $400/mo and about $10,000/yr Net: Those alarms on the window screens are expensive to sit on the ground and take them off!?!?! Net: Here’s a hint: MOVE! It really wouldn’t bother me so much if they would give me my money’s worth or not be so damn anal about it …
OK, I am getting worked up … time for a beer and a nap … oh wait … no beer either … help me!!!!

BEE AFRAID

From Jose Canseco: An open letter from Jose Canseco to all the bees floating near the ceilings of various classrooms:
Attention all bees, wasps, hornets, and any other sort of stinging variation thereof. Why do you haunt my classroom? Net: So they can be killed by the dominant male of the class thus making all of the females in the class desire sexual relations with the bee-killing lothario Why do you carry a stinger in your ass that, when applied to human skin, makes one want to cry for one’s momma? You are diverting me from focusing my attention on other diversions during my various classes. So please, I won’t swat you with the business end of my spiral notebook if you would just leave in peace. Net: Try using the Daily, we work great as a bug killer Thank you.

NBC MANIA!

To Videophile from Horatio Hornblower: Well, there is some decent Olympics coverage out there. Unfortunately, it’s on MSNBC which my favorite cable monopoly AT&T (MediaOne) does not carry. They do carry CNBC, though, so I can see all the boxing I’d ever want to see. Oh the joy. Net: Not to mention C-Span!
Anyway, I did have a chance to see a little of the MSNBC coverage this weekend thanks to friends with a satellite dish. The coverage is much better on MSNBC. There are NO human interest stories, just games and an obscene number of commercials. Net: Just like the Daily.
And best of all, for the soccer games they have on Andres “GOOOOOOOAAL” Cantor, quite possibly the only Olympics announcer who doesn’t suck. For the men’s games Cantor is paired with Alexi Lalas, Net: Oooh! Alexi Lalas! What’s next, Kim Milford? which makes for some pretty amusing commentary.
And by the way Network, Led Zeppelin rocked, Net: Again, you are sorely mistaken but unfortunately they are no more since John Bonham drank himself to death. Net: That’s how we want to go Though “lost” live albums do seem to pop up roughly yearly, when Jimmy Page needs some money for a new guitar.
Net: Jimmy Page? Olympics coverage? Bees? Rollerblading on carpet? Will the excitement and controversy ever end? Don’t you have anything to say about all this?