‘Looters’ shirts threaten Dinkytown, possibly the world

It is a time of great upheaval at the University. There are students only now recovering from the harrowing two-week period without a Minnesota Student Association vice president. Also haunting the campus is a $35 million stadium donation that everyone seems so disappointed about. And just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, there are a few shirts being sold off campus mocking the hockey riots of the past two years. This horrible, disastrous tragedy will create, in my opinion, a gloomy cloud over the University and Dinkytown – a cloud, perhaps, in the shape of a T-shirt.

According to the Sept. 19 issue of the Daily, two small stores are selling trendy new “soccer-style” T-shirts that have logos with the fake team name “Dinkytown Looters.” This is supposed to be a sardonic reference to the now-ritualistic hockey riots, in which some Dinkytown stores were looted. The article makes it clear that at least three people find these shirts offensive. Consider me the fourth, because after I read the article, I was like, “What the crap?”

It is sad that one seemingly stylish product could completely destroy Dinkytown’s flawless image. Oh sure, the area has gone through two giant riots, countless crappy stores and a location near almost all of the rowdiest frat houses, but it is sickly ironic that a shirt is ultimately to blame for Dinkytown’s tarnished image. With this awful, evil-inducing shirt in our midst, it is assumed that all the ugly people of Dinkytown will have to hang their heads in shame.

Personally, I don’t feel safe anymore with this shirt around. Will one of the shirt-wearing looters try to loot me? Will another riot emerge because of this shirt? I’m scared. Bottom line: These shirts are the most offensive thing on planet earth. I think we can all agree with that.

The malevolent T-shirts need to be stopped. Never fear, though, readers, I’ve come up with a detailed plan that will accomplish this, but it involves a lot of participation on your part. First, everyone must buy these shirts from one of the stores mentioned in last week’s article or from www.papasea.com. Let’s make this clear: I don’t want to support the shirt or its cause, but this step is necessary for the freedom of all individuals who feel threatened. Then, we shall burn these shirts at a time and date to be discussed later. I’m thinking we could do the burning protest in the middle of Dinkytown, so as to showcase the great resolve of the people there.

This symbolic rally should once and for all destroy the shirts, among other things. The great number of people and the flames of the offensive shirts will also help push that gloomy cloud away from Dinkytown and back to where it belongs – namely, Wisconsin.

I could be going at this T-shirt problem all wrong, but I’ve thought this whole thing over for almost five minutes. It seems watertight. Seriously, you should do as I say. If you don’t, you’re pro-riot. Sicko.

Matt Koehler is a columnist. He welcomes comments at [email protected]