Network for September 15, 2004

>From Cap’nThomasSnaggletooth:

Ahoy, Cap’n Networkia, scourge of the cyberspace sea! Net: Ahoy. It be time of the year when you dust off ‘ur pirate patch an’ hook an’ celebrate International Talk Like a Pirate Day 2004. Net: Welcome to America. Speak English. Arrr! September 19 ’tis a day of pirate fun for all ye landlubbers to enjoy livin’ and talkin’ like a Pirate. Also, while I be havin’ your attention, thar be a few issues I need resolvin’ with some of ye readers. Net: Your mom’s in college. For those scurby sea dogs who don’t like the way ye freshman wenches dress, I say AVAST you scallywags! ‘Tis better to look at ’em now before the freshman 15 make thar stern-end wider than me boat. Net: Are you drinking 1 percent ’cause you think you’re fat? ‘Cause you’re not. You could drink whole milk if you wanted. I could only hope to send a couple of them up me main mast while the gettin’s good. Net: At least you’re not looking to clean your poop deck. Before I be goin’, Cap’n Network, here be a joke for ‘ur readers. Net: Bring it on. A pirate enters a bar and sits down and the bartender says to him “Did you know that you have your ships steering wheel down your pants?” The pirate replied “Yarr, it’s drivin’ me nuts!” Net: What do you call a pirate that skips class? Captain Hooky. So all you bilge rats, drink yarr grog an’ rum, grab a wench, an’ talk like a pirate this Sunday. Off ye go, now! Net: Did you know there’s a pirates’ club at St. Olaf?

From SuburbanCommando:

Hey Net, what’s the deal? Most mornings I turn to your page to find a bastion of all that is good and entertaining (or at least something that is better than paying attention in lecture) Net: Like the Campus Kickoff Calendar?, but today I find myself talking issue with your disparaging comments about Eden Prairie, my hometown. Net: Isn’t it more like a suburb? Now, they may not be perfect, but I feel I must stand up for all the SUV driving, $5 coffee drinking, to soccer practice driving, (gasp) Republican members of my city. Net: So, you’re a sophomore? After all, they don’t know any better, they’re just following Edina’s example. Net: What’s the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson? Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon and Michael Jackson might* molest little boys. Now that I got that out of the way, let me make this a more generic Network entry with the following list: Too-few-clothes-wearing women = good, morning classes = bad, freshman = annoying, CLA = easy, and my own personal touch, John Kerry = way-NUTTING-better-than-George-W-Bush. Net: You = lame. I think that’s everything, I’m out.

From TheDarkRoyale:

Hiya Chill. It’s time to take the attention away from those 6th year seniors whose only friends left that haven’t graduated are their hand and a Vickie’s Swimsuit Edition from 1993. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. Net: If a quiz is quizzical, what is a test? What a lovely moist and sticky school year we’ve had so far. Net: What a lovely moist and sticky night I had last night. Only the bums on the corner of University and 25th could agree more. Ever have that extreme pants-pissing fear at 3 in the afternoon that the scary vagrant you blew off for change yesterday is lurking behind the bushes of the Days Inn Net: So, you’re a freshman? ready to knock you out with a broken beer bottle? Net: No. I’m a college student, damnit! You and I are under the poverty line, sweetheart. But sure, rob the clothes off my back and Yeah, even take my homework (as long as your turn it in by the due date) but you’ll never take my $2.03 and a bottle cap for a free Coke product. Oh my dignity; you can’t have that without a fight. Lazy bum! Net: So, you’re a Republican? Go get a real job like begging by Jefferson Apts. and ripping off that arrogant sonofaNUTT, Naco Jon, for stealing your government cheese with his army of Libertarians. Net: What? As the saying goes, Peace. Net. I’ll do whatever I want. Geez.

*must be added for legal integrity