Net: These are dang…

Net: These are dangerous days — to say what you feel is to dig your own grave. The presidency is in turmoil, Asia is collapsing, and a war scene worthy of “Wag the Dog” is developing in Iraq. And what do our dear readers want to talk about? FRATS!!!! OK. Fine. We’ll run frat letters today — but only today. We expect political commentary for tomorrow (we’ll even print Republicans). Now’s your chance to let those jack boots shine! Stay tuned.
FRATS!!!!

From Grand Pooba: In response to the Sigma Alpha Dork Fraternity, Minnesota chapter …
Why are all you frat boys so stupid? Don’t you realized that the U.S. presidents, CEOs and corporate execs that you refer to went to college many, many years ago? Fraternities have since changed and evolved into the social jokes that we now know. Net: Actually, that’s not true. Fraternities have — at least since after World War I, when their original status as literary clubs degenerated into existence as social organizations — traditionally been social jokes. Witness, for example, the antics portrayed in “Animal House,” a 1979 movie that was set in 1962.
It’s important to remember that, for many people, the number of presidents, CEOs and corporate execs who come from frats will not be impressive, mainly because many people believe that presidents, CEOs and corporate execs are bastards. It’s a question of connections, the establishment of old boys networks that often begin at frat parties, and general white-male hegemony. Read on.

From Clark Kent: I have a question for the Sigma Alpha Epsilon Fraternity Minnesota chapter’s response to charges of fraternity inbreeding and stupidity in last Friday’s Network. How does reciting from your “Why Frats are Great” fact sheet answer the probing question of inbreeding, or, for that matter, stupidity? Your fact sheet states 85 percent of Fortune 500 executives are greek, but is that attributed to quality breeding or pure intelligence? Net: It depends if you want to use Forrest Gump as an example. The answer is neither.
Rich, white males run these organizations because they are rich, white males, not because they are greeks. As for graduation rates being higher, no doubt students from advantaged backgrounds graduate at a much higher rate than average students.
As for the fact that many presidents are greek, it makes perfect sense; look at Clinton — a lying, cheating white male. Net: Hold your fire. Monica’s new deposition isn’t until tomorrow. Your facts are tainted.
The real question is, why is America letting such a small minority of people run the country? The country’s only hope is that the inbreeding will perpetuate disease Net: Hey — it happened to the Hapsburgs. Anyone remember Charles the Bewitched? and allow some different groups of people their chance to lead.
Oh yeah … and lose the jackets.

Net: And, finally …

From Peewee’s Fraternity, Minnesota Chapter: Hey, I thought that fraternity-inbreeding letter from Wednesday was pretty damn funny! (Especially the part about big-haired sorority women. Laughed my ass off over that one.) I just want everyone out there in Networkland to know that most of us in the greek system do have a sense of humor about ourselves. I know that doesn’t seem true when you read that factual, long-winded entry from our good friends over at SAE, but it is.
In fact, we welcome the occasional lampoon as long as it falls under two simple rules. 1: It has to be grounded in reality. It is true that frat boys wear a lot of hats, so it is all right to make fun of us on that. It is when you start ridiculing us for things that we do not do (like taking women away from that brain-dead, half-wit Frosh) that we get upset. And 2: They have to be funny!! It is most annoying when some two-bit moron with a bug up his ass writes in to criticize us and cannot say one funny, original thing. Net: Hey — at least you don’t have to work with it on a slow day.
So to all of you randoms out there, go ahead and make fun of us. As long as you follow those two rules, it’s all good. And for all of us greeks out there who got ticked off over that entry last Wednesday, chill the F%##* out. Funny is funny, even if we are the occasional butts of the joke. Net: Thank-you, Peewee, for some of the more level-headed commentary seen in the never-ending fraternity discussion this year. In fact, we’re going to adopt your two ground rules as our fraternity-letter publishing policy (although number 2 is pretty subjective, so watch out).
Remember, folks, that Network is here to build community we’re here for U! And that includes greek and non-greek, squirrel and farm boy, lonely intern and sex-starved president. We see them walking hand in hand, singing “Free at last! Free at last! Thank God we’re Network, we’re free at last!” That’s our dream, you see.
Thank-you for your continued tolerance.
P.S. Bring back “Doonesbury”! Net: ##$!* you. We have Dr. Date.
RIGHT BACK ATCHA

From Rum Guzzler: I think stories about squirrels and bikes are lame and do not warrant the recognition they receive in Network. If you were a fine, upstanding publication, you would go into greater detail about issues that pertained more to the students. Net: You call freezing your ass off on the way to class on an unbalanced piece of steel non-pertinent? I think the back support is an integral part of any warm-blooded, male raptor of sexual conduct. Net: The male raptor. Who are you talking about, Damon Stoudamire?
I do not know how Network feels about the back support, but I love it. I have avoided countless injuries by using it and have increased my “go time.” I would like to say to all the Net readers that if it’s good enough for Peter North, it’s a move I would also advocate and would compel you to try.
The back support increases the amount of pleasure for both partners. I would also like to say that “Jerry Springer” uncut is an awesome video, and I highly recommend it. Net: But only after you’ve seen “Spice World.” And at least two network newscasts. Bone up, folks — we’re headin’ into parts unknown.