Under a cold, grey October sky, two giants collided in a clash of titans not to be seen again until next week’s pay-per-view special.
In a stunning turn of events, the Minnesota men’s ball team won a competition of the highest order on a playing surface of some kind.
The team prevailed despite weather which was unlike the weather the day before and the fact that there was a whole seperate team attempting to prevent them from winning.
“We couldn’t worry about them,” said Boring Quote, a student at the University who also happens to play on the team in question.
“We had to come out here and focus on ourselves. We were the more mentally tough team and that was the difference.”
All Minnesota team members credited a higher power for their success at an inconsequential game during which approximately 1,000 people starved to death.
“I just have to thank God, without whom none of this is possible,” said Religous Athlete, who was charged last week with statutory rape.
Minnesota’s coach, Local Hero, said the victory was a testament to just what kind of players he had on his team.
“When I brought these boys here last year, a bunch of y’all was whining, calling them car thieves and rapists and attempted murderers and such. But this win shows what kind of quality, upstanding citizens these boys are, dadgummit,” he probably didn’t say.
In an ironic twist, Minnesota’s win spelled defeat for the opposing team, who apparently were godless heathens.
The losers were unhappy with not being winners but felt they would win another game sometime in the semi-near future.
“Hey, we weren’t ready to play, and that’s the bottom line. They did some things we weren’t ready for and we didn’t do a good job of adjusting,” said Forced Sportsmanship, who danced for approximately 45 minutes after scoring to draw the game within 37.
The losing team’s coach did not feel losing the game made his team inferior, although that is how such things are decided.
“Hey, it’s a funny game. That ball, it’s round, but it’ll bounce in funny directions. A bounce here and a bounce there and we would’ve been right back in it,” said Used C. Salesman, coach of the team.
When asked if he thought 37 bounces would have made a difference, coach Salesman had no comment.
The win brings Minnesota’s record to an even .500, leaving them tied with 10 other teams for first place in the Pac Com Gateway Big Ten.
Coach Salesman said the bottlekneck at the top of the standings was a testament to the incredible strength of the league this year.
“On any given Tuesday afternoon, any team in this league can beat anyone else. We’ll have to bring our ‘A’ game every night from here on in if we want a chance to make the big dance,” Salesman said.
Apparently, team trainers have forgotten to pack Minnesota’s “A” game and bring it to half of this seasons contests.
The losing team’s trainers also forgot to pack their best games, Salesman said his team would take somethin out of the trip.
“It’s a learning experience,” Salesman said. “We have to forget about this right now and move on. Our season starts tommorow in practice.”
Minnesota held incredible statistical advantages in most categories, a fact which some speculated led to their convincing victory.
“It’s a numbers game, and we were able to put more men in the box than they were,” said Analytical Guy, who saw limited action. “We were more effective with our trap and with the extra man, but shot our free throws rather poorly and left a lot of drives short and in the rought.”
Minnesota now has a long break before it faces State University in the much-awaited melee between the two in-state rivals. The winner will advance to the playoffs and receive a first-round bye, while the loser will be finished, unless they are invited to the NIT or possibly the weed-eater bowl.
When asked what his team would do to prepare, Hero said he had definite plans to beat the hated State Squirrels.
“We’ll go hard in practice tomorrow, I’ll tell you that. We should have our systems down well enough that we can adjust to anything they throw at us.”
When asked what they planned to do to prepare, the actual players, however, made several drinking motions with their hands while simultaneously poining towards their crotches.
Loser, meanwhile said his team would have no time for such distractions.
“We’ve got a long, chartered flight home, and some of us won’t even fly first-class. My assistants will be drawing up some plays or some other shit. I mostly like to get drunk and pinch the flight attendants on the ass,” Salesman said.
A player was injured during the playing of the contest. While Hero said he would take the injured player’s scholarship away, forcing him to quit school, his heart went out to the boy and his family.
“When something like that happens, it really puts everything in perspective. It’s just a game after all, and we just hope Jim-Bob is allright. But wait’ll you see the mean sumbitch I got transfering from Juco to take his place,” Hero said.
Whatever the outcome of next week’s epic clash with State, Minnesota’s captain, Empty Melon, said he would consider the year a success.
“Hey, we’ll just go out and give it our best shot, and the good lord willing, things will work out. It’s just been such a pleasure to play with these great guys and coach Hero, who was my idol growing up. We’re all winners in my book, whether we lose or not,” Melon said.

Fed Up listens to a lot of inane garbage and wishes disease on anyone remotely involved with “media training,” when he’s not too busy ignoring his sports writing duties to go write for the “news” side of the paper.