Network: goldyisawuss; Some Random Stooge; In Need of Pest Control

>In response to Suggestion Box, I too was curiously pondering why we have such a wuss of a mascot compared to almost every school we compete against. I wouldn’t call myself much of a fan of the sports around here, but I do believe that I may get a bit more active in the sporting events had our school picked a better mascot. One could be picked easily by anyone on campus, even the idiot band geeks that I saw marching around Northrop Mall this morning. While I had this contemplation of mascot masculinity, I thought of the perfect replacement for Goldy the Gopher: “Captain Kickass the Death Pirate”. I have a firm belief that The Death Pirates would womp on any team they competed against. Net: Yer damn right they would! So until we change our mascot to be a Death Pirate, I am boycotting all sporting events and Homecoming. What am I talking about, Homecoming sucks and I won’t ever be a part of that because it is only for the Regents, fratties, band geeks, and a marketing tool to attract old people to buy overpriced merchandise in the bookstore. Bite my ass, Net. Net: When have we advocated Homecoming? We are boycotting it too, since we were not nominated for either King OR Queen.

From Some Random Stooge

Hey Net, do you think that the marching band has been getting the publicity that it deserves? Net: No, it gets too much. I mean, I keep getting asked why I’m carrying a paddle all over campus. Not only am I not the only one doing it, but this is a tradition that has been going on for years! Stooge week is a very key element to the marching band experience. And I will have you know that it does not in any way deserve the lable of “hazing” because we are in no way forced to do any of the tasks assigned to us, or even participate at all.

It is more of a learning experience. Many of the tasks that us stooges are given involve learning about the University and the many services and opportunities that are available to us. For instance, if I had not been given the task to write to the Net, I wouldn’t have ever taken it upon myself to figure it out. Now I know and can therefore make use of this opportunity. So there you have it. Give the band more publicity! Thanks for your time! Net: It’s voluntary? What the hell’s the point then? The rest of us want to see your little bottoms glowing red, and tears streaming down your faces. Then maybe Marching Band would serve a purpose.

From In Need of Pest Control

We have all had our bizarre encounters with the squirrels on this campus. There’s no denying that awful feeling of their beady little eyes focusing in on you right before they pounce from behind a tree or from the depths of a trash can. I didn’t have a problem with the squirrels and their strange behavior until a few days ago when one little NUTTer broke into my apartment and ate my avocado that was sitting on the kitchen counter. Yes, you read that correct. A squirrel wriggled its way through a hole in my roommate’s window screen, ran around my apartment willy nilly and had the nerve to eat my produce right from the kitchen counter without having the decency to replace it or clean up after himself (he left the partially eaten avocado in the middle of the living room floor with his teeth marks all over it). In the eternal words of Stephanie Tanner: HOW RUDE! Trying to scare people by pouncing is one thing but when these squirrels start violating our privacy by breaking and entering, something needs to be done. Net: 1. Purchase a brick. 2. Find squirrel. 3. Loudly threaten squirrel with brick. Problem solved.