“There’s nothing like a good anal slurping.”

—Middlebrook dining hall

Person 1: “What if the building is really burning down?”

Person 2: “There’s people saying ‘hi’ through the window …”

—Middlebrook Hall

Person 1: “I was in the shower when the fire alarm went off.”

Person 2: “That’s why I pulled it.”

—Middlebrook Hall

Guy 1: “Everyone has a good hand job story!”

Guy 2: “I don’t …”

—Comstock dining hall

Professor: “As you probably noticed, I’m not Professor Jalan. I think he got the T-1 virus from ‘Resident Evil.’”

—Amundson Hall

Professor: “In what country is corn produced the most?”

Student: “Iowa!”

—Willey Hall

Guy: “I love midterms because they just yell, ‘Prepare for me!’ but those stupid quizzes just lie to you, they’re like, ‘Don’t worry, I’ll be here for you,’ so I never end up studying for them.”

—Nicholson Hall

Professor: “There are three ways to get undergrads involved: fire, parafilm and sex!”

—Unknown

Girl 1: “If I was in a frat, I would have to run like 40 miles a day to make up for all the beer I drink.”

Girl 2: “That’s why they have trillion-dollar gyms in the basements of all the houses.”

Girl 1: “Really?!”

Girl 2: “… No.”

—Campus Connector

“I’m really afraid of fruit. Like, if I get in a fight with someone and they hold up a banana, I’m done.”

—Walter Library

Professor: “I painted my nails pink. … Does that counteract the death comment?”

—Smith Hall