Life is hell without Stairway to Heaven’

David Hyland

Staring up at the homemade posters and murals adorning his bedroom walls, University English major Matt Olson admits he loves Led Zeppelin.
It was only a sad coincidence then when Olson found his vinyl copy of the band’s album, “Led Zeppelin IV,” ruined.
After returning to his apartment on Como Avenue last weekend, Olson found the album unlistenable.
“I woke up the next afternoon and found these huge grooves on the record,” Olson said. “I don’t know what happened.”
The fourth self-titled album by the British rock-and-roll group, which is also known as “Zoso,” has long been considered one of the greatest albums of all time. The album featured such popular hits as “Black Dog,” “When the Levee Breaks,” and the penultimate track, “Stairway to Heaven.”
Olson said he listens to the album on a daily basis. His friends agree that the album is something of an obsession.
“He’s always singing along, grabbing himself during important parts,” said Duane Jublunski, Olson’s friend.
Michael Jefferys, an official at the Institute for Vinyl Preservation said repeated listening is a classic example of vinyl abuse. Most industry-produced records cannot handle continuous playing, Jefferys said.
“I don’t know anything about abuse, man, except that it’s abuse that I can’t hear that album,” Olson responded. “How can I get along without the propulsive drumming of John “Bonzo” Bonham or the I’ve got my penis on my mind’ vocals of Robert Plant?”
To make matters worse, Olson said the only other album he has is Foghat’s 1975 effort, “Fool For the City.”
Olson said the hardest part will be not being able to go to sleep while listening to “Stairway to Heaven.”
“The only power ballad comparable to Stairway’ in pure machismo and sonic splendor is Bon Jovi’s Wanted Dead or Alive,'” added Steve Hermana, Olson’s roommate.
Olson, who is allergic to CDs, said he intends to buy a new copy of the album once he gets his allowance but that could take a number of weeks to save up.
In the meantime, Olson said he intends to concentrate on his songwriting. He said he has been working on a song about personal loss and heartache.
“I’m singing about being torn apart by faulty manufacturing,” Olson wailed.
Despite the separation, his friends think he will recover.
“It’s really tough for him to deal with this,” said Hermana. “It’s only been a few days and he’s really restless.”