WE GOT A COMPLIMENTARY LETTER!!!
Net: We’re so proud, we had to let it be on top. We bask in the afterglow.
From Mr. Hyde: Greetings, O illustrious and wise Network! There is absolutely no reason to print this letter, for it has no substance Net: That has never held us back, but I felt I simply must thank you for the space you devoted to fraternities Monday. Never has an amount of blank paper been so witty. Never has a space so devoid of words been filled with so much meaning and commentary. So, in short, thank you, and good day! Net: And thank you, Mr. Hyde. We hope our clear space signified a peace, a detente, an end to fraternity/rest-of-campus controversy. Yeah, right — and squirrels have wings. But if nothing else, maybe we can get some new topics. Here’s our first shot of the new era:
THE HERD IS THE WORD
From Peewee: Enough with the letters about the menace presented by the greek system. We here at the University need to address the real threat to our collective well-being — Freshmen herds! Net: Freshmen, as regular readers know, are a distant, but strong, second on our hit list. You know what I am talking about. Every Friday and Saturday night, freshmen Net: And women, we may add congregate in groups ranging from five to 20 members and go wandering the streets trying to find a party. Net: Of course, they’re all libertarians, so it’s difficult. They never actually find one Net: Which in itself shows fifth-rate intelligence, so they just continuously roam around, yelling at each other and waking up everyone who is unfortunate enough to live within a five-block radius of their dorm. Net: Admissions officers, of course, tout freshman dorms as a community advantage. In reality, it’s a quarantine.
Last quarter wasn’t too bad because the coldness kept them in their rooms, but now that it is warm out, they are back. I cannot go to bed before 3 a.m. on a weekend night because of all the noise these gaggles make. Net: Hey — if you can’t beat ’em, we say join ’em! Hang out with the herd. If you’re willing to buy, you might get laid.
We as a University need to band together to rid ourselves of these pests. Net: Be careful. Many seniors once started in these herds.
And to all of you freshmen who are planning another trip out this weekend: Listen up! There are no parties, and even if there were, a bunch of morons like you are not going to be allowed in them. Net: Morons like other people are perfectly acceptable at most parties. Nothing kills a party quicker than stupid, drunk freshman who can not hold their liquor. Net: No. Rohypnol is much faster. NEXT!!!!!!
TAKING THE LONG VIEW
From Fast Freddie: Hello most esteemed and glorious Network. Here’s the thing. I have this roommate who enjoys talking about masturbation. Net: We don’t want anybody else, and when we think about you … Now when I say “enjoys” I don’t mean talking about it every once and a while — I mean all the time every day. Net: Call us pathetic, call us what you will. Now none of us really have a problem with it, we just find it extremely bizarre. Net: Darlin’ Nikki wouldn’t. Does she bop? My question is if anyone out in Network-land can give the people who have to constantly listen to this some good lines to make fun of him with. Net: Great. A deluge of jerk-off jokes. We can’t wait. We have exhausted all the standbys. Thanks a lot for all the help. Net: No problem. Oh yeah, that reminds us. Speaking of people with masturbation fixations …
ATTENTION WOOBIE WEARERS
Net: Our A&F survey continues. Right now, dorm rats and Vikings fans are easily leading submissions. Remember — we’re looking for a demographic profile of Network-reading woobie-wearers. Just send us a message with the header “Woobie Poll” and tell us whether you live in a dorm, fraternity/sorority house or off-campus; your college at the U; whether you’re pro- or anti-squirrel; whether you prefer the Vikings or Packers; and the color of your woobie. Send us your ballot by noon on Thursday; we’ll print the results Friday.
M-S-A-M-E
From Buoyant in the Carlson Plan: Lately, it seems that every year we’ve been having an MSA election Net: Uh, yeah. It’s called, uh, the constitution, and during each election the candidates continue to run on issues most of us don’t give a flying f— about. Net: It’s great training for the real world. What do we really want? Net: Beer. And world peace. In that order.
1. Fewer silly looking people on campus — it’s getting a bit ridiculous.
2. Higher tuition for any student hailing from a state with the letters ISCONSI in some part of its title.
3. Fresher coffee at campus shops in other flavors than shit, shit or shit. Net: Anyone for Chai? Try the Brazilian Death Monkey at Idlewilde — they’re the best.
4. Arms at parking ramp exits that lift out of the way easier when struck by a vehicle. Net: Or, arms of parking lot attendants that lift off when struck by a vehicle. That would be cool.
5. A requirement that any professor, when referring to his Net: or her spouse during a needlessly personalized, windy and borish lecture, occasionally insert the word “hellcat.”
Is there anyone running on this platform this year? Net: NITWIT can be persuaded. If so, get your ass out there and make some noise. We want you!
