SAN LUIS OBISPO, Calif. (U-WIRE) — Visiting my friend in the “Star Wars” ticket line Tuesday night, some things became very clear to me. Was it the camaraderie of the fans, apparent in even the “Star Wars” Trivial Pursuit players to my right? Was it the dedication of diehards who spent the entire night camped out in front of the Copa Cabana? (… and were there ulterior motives?)
Maybe I was just amazed that “The Mummy” was still in theaters.
No, my friends, this realization is as obvious as the Magic: The Gathering card players to my left — these people are complete dorks.
Now before you assault me with cries of, “You rebel scum!” think it over. Twelve tickets multiplied by $7.50 — that’s $90.
Add to that the cost of toy light sabers, Princess Leia wigs, talking action figures and the special edition box set, and you’re nearing the price of tuition for the quarter. This may or may not be a better deal, but something’s wrong when the same people who so scream, “Bloody Murder!” at California Polytechnic’s Pepsi deal are lined up around the block to make their financial contribution to “The Force.”
I have a roommate who shamelessly recites lines from the trilogy in the most unwelcome situations. He’ll come home and watch bits and pieces of the movie in between classes.
I know this other guy, whose name I should keep anonymous, who actually went to Toys R Us and battled it out with bewildered mothers and unruly kids to get his 20-year-old hands on some of the newest action figures. I pointed out to him that these were, as it says on the box, for children 12 and under. He simply shrugged and laughed it off. I suppose he doesn’t mind that little Tommy and Susie went home empty-handed and cried themselves to sleep that night because of his pre-pubescent shopping list. His only defense: They talk!
Jake plans to dress up as Princess Leia on opening night. He’d also be proud to show you his full pewter chess set of “Star Wars” characters with a retail value each of $19.95, hidden away in his room plastered with posters of Mark Hamill and George Lucas — I’m beginning to question his sexuality.
With all the persuasion of a Jedi Mind Trick, George Lucas, mastermind dufus extraordinaire, has singlehandedly retarded America’s youth. I don’t mean that in a bad way — well, yes I do — but fans are well aware of the risks of their obsession. “Star Wars” zealots have willingly become pawns in Lucas’ own chess game — and in the long run, $19.95 is far less expensive than the therapy sessions you people are going to need. But let’s face it: Even therapy will come with a “Star Wars” price tag.

Nate Pontious’ column originally appeared in Friday’s California Polytechnic State University Mustang Daily.