To IHaveA10″Tool from Violent Ed: Oh, Evil Network, isn’t the University bad enough with overpriced tuition, poor service and bad professors that you must add to it with your displays of public humping? Net: Yo, yo, yo … wadn’t us. I drove through the parking ramp that night and saw the 10-inch tool you were using. I believe you must be using the log button on your calculator to make you 10 from an actual one. Net: Higher math is always Comedy Gold. Your hairy ass pumping some ho does not make this rancid University a better place to live. Next time, I recommend you [email protected]##k her in a dumpster when you wanna jugga like a humpster. Net-Seuss: We would not do it in a car, we would not do it in a bar. This much is true (from we to you) that sex is best when on a bed; We do not like it on the floor, we do not like it in a door. If I see you in that gray Blazer again I will show her what a real 10-inch tool is. Enough with Ed, now with the Violent: If I hear one more scrawny girl complain about her weight at the bus stop, I will shove a box of ding-dongs down her throat. Net: All the bulimics on campus are running to the nearest bus stop … If I see one more group trying to save the rats from testing, I will personally set 12 of the ugly things on fire. Net: Then chuck ’em over Washington Avenue — they’ll make great bombs. Thanks, Net, for letting me vent.
P.S.: Violence is not the solution to a problem; it only helps. Net: We’ll remember that the next time we’re smiling for a mug shot.
From Short Person: I realize that everyone is getting tired of Valentine’s banter, Net: Only the people sans S.O. … but maybe your entry will keep their pills and booze at bay for a while, but this is something that has to be said … I have an answer for the question that I’m sure a lot of you have. “What the heck was that valentine that won first prize?” What it was folks, was A MESS. Net: Whew … that makes us feel better. We spent the better part of the day trying to decipher it, like some kind of Cryptoquip straight outta Hades. The good people that put together that page decided that the format that I specified wasn’t good enough for them and so THEY SCREWED IT UP! Net: Long-time Daily motto: When it doubt, blame it on the printers. It had two very cheesy, sweet messages in it, and they both got screwed up.
It was supposed to read:
hUn l a s m I y 4
R o n o a a o E
* v d u t m u V
*my er my l e * rs R
And the hidden messages are:
Hun Ur my lover and my soul mate. I am yours 4EVR. The other one, If you circle the words, you’ll see it says: I luv u.
Net: Sorry … you didn’t pass the formatting instructions along to us. But we took our best shot. At least Mr. Wood B. Valentine will get the message.
There, all done. And a quick comment to Loosey and Chuck: Cheese IS the food of the gods. Net: We thought that was supposed to be Ambrosia. Or at least Australian Shiraz. Especially fresh WISCONSIN cheese. I refuse to eat the stuff here. I get the good stuff shipped here in brown paper bags. MUHAHAHA! And all those cheese signs you see are actually mini-shrines to our secret cheese god. Really! I know. Net: Secrets don’t make friends. And I’m spent. Have a nice day!!
From SoSensitive: Hey, Net, I just got done seeing the most disgraceful piece of s##!t I have personally ever seen. Net: And like any self-respecting, red-blooded American man, the first thing he wants to do is tell everyone about it. And now you understand the masculine fascination with bathroom humor. The new show, “Who Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire” pisses me off to an extent that I have not been driven to before. Net: And we thought dropping “and a Pizza Place” from “Two Guys and a Girl” was a travesty. This is a disgrace to the vows of marriage. If we have been brought to such a low level of viewing pleasure that we literally pawn off beautiful women to wealthy men, then I am sad to be a U.S. citizen. Net: Ten bucks says this guy was first in line at the Bell a few weeks ago. This is complete bulls##!t! What does this teach our kids!! Net: Makeup = Money. Next. For cryin’ out loud, if you need the money that much, don’t rely on someone else to bring it to you. Marriage is a sacred commitment between two people IN LOVE. Net: Or PREGNANT. Or maybe even BORED. The women in this show don’t see the person they are going to marry, let alone know the person that they are marrying. Net: Well, it worked for that oily bo-hunk at the Mall of America … why can’t it work for the rich guy with the distinctive salt-n-pepper hair? This kind of s##!t brings me to a feeling that there is no hope left for love. What are we gonna make next, a show documenting how someone will or won’t murder someone for a million dollars? A little advice to all people: Don’t watch this crap. If you do, you’re rotting your minds and tainting the vows that I hope to be saying to my wife someday. Net: This guy is fishing for dates, big time. Any takers?
From Keef: Dearest Network, I would like to take this time to thank our president, Mark Yudof. His “Beautiful U” program has succeeded beyond my wildest expectations. I thought it was just my hormones at first, Net: A common response to the program, to be sure, but I asked several others candidly and the reply was unanimous there are simply more good-looking girls on campus this year than there have been in the past. Net: As if the geraniums weren’t enough. And now this. Even the winter has not seemed to shun them into the woodwork as it has so many times in the past. Now, with spring just around the corner, I wait for what is sure to be more grandiose than the arrival of the cicada moth, a locust that comes from the bark of certain North American trees every 17 years. So, kudos to you, Yudof, kudos. Net: We just got off the Netphone with “Da Man,” and he relayed a response befitting a man of his considerable stature: “Damn skippy, Numbnuts. Hot chicks rock.”