AND THE ANSWER ISN’T
From Kung Fu Joe: Ahoy dude. Net: Avast ye scurvy wench. After putting much thought into the identity of Net, I have come to three theories.
1.) Net is the brother of Jesus, Timmy Christ. Net: You haven’t gotten a nipple twister ’til you’ve had one from Jesus Christ. Net was put on this Earth to be made fun of Net: Made fun of? BLASPHEMY! We make fun, but we sure as hell don’t take it. for our sins (If I wasn’t going to hell before, this just clinched it).
B.) Net: What happened to 2? Net is where KIT went when Knight Rider went off the air. Net: Michael, there’s a man hiding behind that cardboard box over there.
4.) Net: You knew we’d be making fun of your counting, didn’t you? No one can be told who the Net is; you have to experience it for yourself. Net: Wrong, granola boy! Why don’cha cart that pansy “experience Net” attitude somewhere else?
Either that or you’re just some dude.
Net: Much better.

From: Sexual position ##70: Oh, cherubic-sized Net, I have come to you to beg a favor. Net: We always considered ourselves to be more tank-sized. If you are truly the all-knowing, all-powerful, omnipotent being you claim to be, Net: Nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh, no. We claim nothing. We are. do the world a favor. Take a long look down and to your right. I’ll give you a moment to retch. Net: He’s right! That crossword is impossible today! What is 29 down? Now, use your awful power and get rid of Caseous!!! Net: Our power is directed elsewhere at the moment. Soon, that cloud on the front page will feel the full wrath of Network, and Elmo shall be no more!!! What is that crap? Net: Elmo? Just some stupid cloud. Bring on Dave Dahl! At least he’s a human. If my remedial understanding of comics is correct, they’re supposed to be funny. Net: Yup, “X-MEN” and “Spiderman” were a riot. And the crap spewed forth from Nate Melcher’s undersized “pen” is nothing but limp drivel. Net: While we’re pleased with the innuendo of that sentence, we are displeased that it actually means nothing. In fact, just take Melcher, his comic strip and Elmo, for good measure, and send them packing. Net: We’re working on Elmo. As for Melcher, a far worse evil will come for him: Graduation (DUN DUN DUHHHH).
As for the true identity of Net, everyone knows Network is the deity-like effect created by plugging a Commodore 64 into the scrambled Spanish porn channel. Net: Dame tus huevos, por favor! Ci, senor. Quanots anyos tienie? Kinsay anyos. Add two parts Alonzo Newby, a quarter case of Banana Flips, program in a vague recollection of a frat party gone horribly wrong, simmer and serve. MMMMMMMMMMMM, Netliciocus. Long live Nora Sauska. Net: Sweet, sweet tennis diva. Andnowigottagetontheroadsopeace.
Net: Good guesses today, people. We are not, in fact, written by Jan Gangelhoff. Nor have we ever taken Spanish classes (obviously). And now, on with the show.

ELMO SHALL DIE
From WeDoitAll4theWookie: Hey, Netter. Net:Waytojumbleyournameintooneword. Wereallylikeit. Andnowwegottago. Just wanted to let you know who’s birfday it was yesterday. (You’d be amazed at how you can turn any normal conversation into that of one Cletis, the Slack-Jawed Yokel). Net: Just tell us whatfor ya came an’ we’ll get on with this little shindig right quick. It is no other than Adolf Hitler’s birthday. Net: Riiiigghhht. Maybe you didn’t catch our references to Hitler in Thursday’s Net. DUH. Like we’d forget that little pissant ... If this is NOT the person who’s birthday you were thinkin’ of, disregard this mail and refrain from callin’ me a Nazi Net: Mongol! to all the Networkians. However, if I am correct, I will be expecting a large package of peanut m&m’s and some Jones soda to be dropped by the house, ’cause that stuff is sex in a bottle. Net: We’re not sure where you got the idea we would send you food for figuring out it’s Hitler’s birthday. And so what if the writ of habeas corpus was suspended in 1863 by Abe Lincoln? It’s inconsequential, people! Mmm, mmm good. Take ‘er easy. Fight the power! Net: Need we point out that rhymes with white power? Sick Nazis, brothers of Jesus … we’re gonna burn.
EXPOSING ROLLA
From Ra: Is anyone else a bit unsatisfied by the vague references to Nasty and Rollerdiva’s encounter? Net: We felt empty and in need of a full explanation. We want the whole damn story. I want the whole damn story. Net: Day late and a dollar short there, Ra. C’mon, geek and freak clash, possibly while nude, libidinous combat between self-glorifying dork and a self-glorifying whore. Net: Sounds like Puff Daddy and Jennifer Lopez to us. Everybody writes into Network. If Rollerdiva enjoys S&M Net: That was a good album. Not great, but good as much as she professes, I know plenty of people who’d line up to break her face. But now for a call to arms: Friends, acquaintances, lovers, enemies and stalkers of Rollerdiva, unite! Let’s expose this Rollerdiva (don’t rip your pants, Net). Net: Trust us, we didn’t. We gotta blow the lid off this sh!t. Is Roller all she proclaims herself to be? Let’s get the dirt out in the open. Net: And let’s kill Elmo while we’re at it. All who know her, write in. This should be a great topic, and when the dust settles, either Rollerdiva continues her reign unchecked, or the pompous pimple gets popped for all to see. On an unrelated note, Net, would you consider providing a forum for the exchange of drug info? Hallucinogens are so hard to come by on this campus… Net: Maybe you should read Caseous more often. That’s some trippy shiznit. See all of ya Monday. Except for that bastard Elmo. His time has come. MUH HA HA HA HA HA HA.