ICONOCLASTIC DISCOURSE
Happy Monday and good morrow! The days have brightened, and victory has unveiled her elusive visage to NITWIT! Wear a happy face today, Networkians …
From Jam Gallons: Tell me. Is college nothing more than the development of a four-year $40,000 inferiority complex? I sit quietly in my CLA classes — there’s strike one against my already fragile self-esteem — and watch these people around me spew out intellectual buzzwords or, Net: It’s a plebeian post-modern phrase paradigm if not speaking at the moment, nod their heads unanimously in appreciation of other students’ utterances of intellectual buzzwords. Net: So declasse! I feel so confused and helpless. Net: Disempowered? Systematically oppressed? Socially dehumanized? Do I succumb to the pervasive liberal education ideology? Or do I continue milling within the confines of my silent martyrdom? Net: Doff the bourgeois dejection! This daily drudging, coupled with occasional trips to the Dinkydome, has inspired some haiku:
wake and live again
should i shave or end it all?
one more day of dread
falafel king guys
always pissed off, i wonder:
too much tabouli?
IT PAYS TO BE STUBBORN
From The Mule: Most wise and ominfirous Net: Huh? ‘Zat English? Network, I come to you to right a grievous injustice being done to those which I hold most dear: The females of IT Honors! It seems some members of IT Honors can’t appreciate true quality! Nary a day passes without me being thankful that my physics lectures contain such beautiful gems, and yet the likes of Tiggs and Canadian FBI speak of them as though they did not exist, seeking instead amongst women who can’t even integrate a transcendental function. These women are the very finest! They may be scarce, but that makes them all the more precious! Net: CSOM students would have something about the supply and demand theory here. We, as representatives for intelligent males everywhere, can’t let them fall into the hands of men from CLA, Carlson or (shudder) General College! I myself have tried my luck with no success. I denounce all who have a chance at them and ignore it. Well, more for me (at least, in theory). There’s always that cute girl with the dyed red hair. Yet still I call upon you all to recognize the extraordinary magnificence of these women, and give them their due. And to the freshman females of IT Honors: I love you all! Will you go out with me? Net: AHA! So this was nothing more than a ruse to slip in your inquiry, eh Mule?
THE ALLIES ARE ASSEMBLING
Net: And so it is; NITWIT is joined by powerful and influential allies. Citizen expresses great assuagement in the following offers of reinforcements to succor the effort against King T.
From The Man Known Only As Baron: Greetings to the all-powerful entity known only as Network. I hail from the land of my father, The King Steven, which lies far to the South. Though you may not know me, I know you quite well. Net: We’ve heard of you. Do go on. I am Baron, keeper of the mighty holy sword Darlack, Master of the arcane arts of reed fluting and Prince of Southern land of Eagan. Net: Ever met Zanfir? Man, that cat can blow! I have come with a message. You are not alone. I represent the order of the Anker Knights, a group that also seeks the downfall of the Terror King. We ourselves have fought long and hard against the approach of King Terror. Only recently did we finally defeat our heinous enemy “The Kreeger,” an order bent upon hastening the arrival of King Terror. We have seen and heard of NITWIT’s plight in recent weeks against the Obsequian Order. We know only too well to power that King Terror gives to his operatives. Net: Yeah, that and some pretty nice threads, too. Only united can we stop the approaching darkness. Therefore Network, I Baron, leader of the Anker Knights, pledge both myself, my sword and my order to your cause. Net: Yeah, well, if you know what’s good for ya. You will be swiftly dispatched, Baron. Await Citizen.
From Known Only as the Janitor: (Intoned) In the name of the Network, NITWIT and the Holy Backtalk Page, Amen (organ fill).
For the past three years, I have been a part of the select missionary group known only as “Facilities Management.” We have had a higher purpose than ridding toilets of the scum which thrives upon its surface. Yea, to speak in truth, we have been in effort to clean the scum from the very face of this fine institution. And we have done so, unbeknownst to all but Network and our enclave, ridiculed by the many we would save.
So why, you may ask, have I come forth today, risking my life — nay, my very soul– by exposing my true identity to all of you, when any one of you could be a most insidious and foul minion of the vengeful King T?
Because, my friends, I’ve wept to see CLA students called lazy and IT students besmirched with the title of undesirable, when in fact we should have been harnessing our strengths to protect this, our sacred West Bank, from the strengthening of the evil Carlson regime. Now, I see through the wise (though occasionally self-gratifying) words of Rollerdiva that this war is ending. CLAs and ITs are coming together in not entirely approved premarital copulation (eh — it’s a start). It is now that we must join forces, IT and CLA, to defeat the true enemy, the harbinger of King T’s reign of terror, CSOM!
Now do not mistake me, I do not claim that Carlson and King T are one in the same, or in truth even yet affiliated. But I can tell you this — he will find entrance, through a grotesque mockery of a “building” on the southwest corner of campus known as CSOM, to our beloved home. Net: It’s no surprise; have you been inside that place? King T likes first class accommodations. NEVERTHELESS, IT IS NOT TOO LATE, MY FRIENDS. Together, we can still defeat this evil. Tell your friends about the horrors of King T! In Network’s name we pray, Amen.
