Net: Indeed, we are mulleted out. One can only spend so much time in the company of trailer folk before one begins to consider the merits of the double-wide.
Our Valentine’s Day was a fine one, to be sure, spent with a certain significant other who shares our penchant for whispering sweet somethings in the ears of strangers and buying flowers for little old ladies.
Good times, good times.
POETRY CORNER
From Mamacita and Spiral Sue:
Ode to Net, we submit this to you:
We are not getting any — oh, ’tis true!
We need some lovin’ on this Valentine’s Day
If we were farm girls we’d be rollin’ in the hay.
Net: We asked one of our farm-boy buddies if farm-girl status was a prerequisite of hay rolling, and he replied with an emphatic “Nosiree, pard-nuh.” Then he started drooling, and it got kind of gross from there …
Our pent-up sexual tension is rising to the top.
If we could only find someone, we’d never stop …
All we are looking for is some good, decent men
Who won’t ever stop ’til we say when.
Net: A hard man is good to find. Or something like that.
So, dear Net, if you could find us some men,
We’d show you some gratitude by slipping you a 10
Let the replies roll in to Mamacita and Spiral Sue,
And to all the hotties out there, we’ll make all your wishes come true.
Net: With such high standards, the odds of finding someone with which to hook up by week’s end are virtually nil. But hike up your skirt and start downing shots, and you might have something.
RAMP ROMP
From IHaveA10″Tool: Hey, Net. Wuz up! Net: It’s all a matter of perspective. I was just sitting around in one of my manny lecture Net: Typographical error or a description of his class? You decide. classes, and I got to reading about the sex freaks in this University. I was VERY disappointed. Only three people out there had done the wild thang, and one of them was only choking the chicken to one of the women’s bra sections in the JC Penney catalog. Net: We prefer pictures of victorious soccer players. So, I have taken it upon myself to tell the people about what can happen when two (or more) people start swapping spit, along with other liquid. Net: Ah, nothing quite like exchanging sulfuric acid. Eye-chee-wa-wa!! Such as the time my current girl and I were in the parking ramp last year. As most of you know, the ramp attendants would leave at midnight, and if you were parked there and wanted to leave between then and 6 a.m., you could do it and not have to pay a dime. Net: Everybody at the Daily knows that. Journalists are cheap (in many ways). Well, this night there happened to be some event going on, and the attendant was still there, so we hopped in the back of my Blazer, Net: Naturally and while I told her that the tinted windows would hide us, we proceeded to waste time doing the old-fashioned humpty-hump. Needless to say, the tinted windows were not doing their job, and as people drove their cars by us, they saw and honked their horns in congratulations. Net: Either that or it was the bumper sticker, “Honk if you’re horny.” We gotta get another one of those … This is only the first installment of what has happened when two people get together and have wild sex all night long. Net: Really? We thought storks were responsible for the population boom.
BEHOLD THE POWER
From Loosey and Chuck: Net: What in the name of Gangelhoff is going on here? Since when do people need a friend to help them write a Network entry? I am not from the Midwest and therefore did not, until last semester, quite understand the appeal of cheese. Net: We’ve always considered people from the coasts to be anti-lactites. We simply cannot tolerate their intolerance. Do you know how many signs there are that simply say “CHEESE” in Wisconsin? Net: This much is for sure: There are more cheese signs than Keyes signs. It boggles the mind. At any rate, my great friend Chuck and I willingly subjected ourselves to microbiology on the St. Paul campus last semester. This is where I learned of the greatest cheese form on the face of God’s green earth!! CHEESE CURDS! Net: Oh yeah … curds beat brie’s ass any day. I am not quite sure how I went through my entire freshman year without knowing of these nuggets of deliciousness. Then, over Thanksgiving break, a friend of mine took me to Culvers. I thought I had died and gone to heaven! FRIED cheese curds are even better than regular cheese curds! Net: Whatever you do, don’t go to the state fair. You just might keel over upon entering the food barn. I try to explain the titillating taste to my friends back East, but they just don’t get it. We might have cheese steaks back home, but I don’t know if I could ever live in a place void of fried cheese curds. Net: OK, so maybe Wisconsin’s level of suck has dropped a notch. But don’t get your hopes up too much, Badger freaks.
WANTED: DITCH DIGGERS
From Kung Fu Joe: I am guessing, Xeniastar, you took offense to my entry the other day about art students. I don’t know why. The world needs people who are good at saying, “Do you want fries with that?” Net: Cut! Let’s try it again … this time, with a little spirit! or “Mommy, can I have some more money?” Net: That’s a wrap! All things I am sure you will be very good at. About using art funds for medicine, well, animal-testing money needs to come from somewhere (thanks to which we live on average 23.7 years longer.) Net: And better yet, the life spans of vermin everywhere are cut mercifully short. So in conclusion, art students, security guards, animal-rights people and anyone else I might have offended: You all can toss my salad. Thank you, and have a good day.
