Net: Everybody getting excited for the 2000 Network Super Crazy Happy Fun Contest? (Or the Network Medallion hunt, depending on which ad you read. The object hidden on campus will NOT be an actual medallion — like we could afford a medallion!) We know you all would love the chance to write Network, and, frankly, we would love a day off. HOORAY!
Another brief aside: The collective is getting tired of the same old hockey cheers at every game, so we came up with some new ones. We fully expect these to be adopted within one week.
To the tune of the “Woop woop” penalty cheer:
Woop Woop / Woop Woop
You buddy / you do not play hockey well
Your team / does not play well either
See? It hurts the other team’s morale while not hurting the virgin ears of small children. Any other suggestions?
From Mephistofalafeles: Bloody hell, has the Daily’s ad department taken leave of its reason? Net: It had it in the first place? How else to explain the heinous pro-life propaganda supplement to Wednesday’s issue? Net: The horrible truth: The Daily is written and produced by aging pasty-white Republicans who use it to spread their ideas. No students have been employed here since 1965 Everywhere I go I see pictures of fetuses smiling down from NUTTIN’ billboards; the last thing I need is to have ’em falling out of my paper, too! This “advertisement” was so inappropriate that I was compelled by civic duty to canvass the campus for forty-five minutes, extricating the offending section from every copy of the Daily I could find and transferring it to the nearest trash can. Net: How could you!? You could have at least tried to find a good Christian home for it before you just tossed it in the trash. Become pro-insert! Since my time is worth no less than $20 an hour, I figure the U owes me 15 bucks for this service, in addition to an undisclosed amount for mental distress. The only mitigating aspect of the situation was the pointed irony of your front-page photo of coat hangers, though I presume that was unintended. What’s next, a glossy NRA centerfold? Net: Mmmm Á Charlton Hestonlicious Á One more thing: I know all you miscreants who dis the large ladies would screw them all night long given half a chance; you just won’t be seen with them. You are, as the kids say, “frontin’.” Go get yourselves some Prozac, Net: We prefer Zoloft it’s a better way to enhance your self-esteem than putting other people down.
From GirlUWant:
What’s this pro life crap?
Does it belong in Daily?
No, no! Bad Daily!
Thank you.
From AngryDrunk: What up Net? Okay, let’s talk. First off, to the IT geeks: Dude, you guys are NUTTING losers. Umm. Please don’t attack me with a magic spell from your dungeons and dragons game, Net: Just wear your +5 baseball cap of magic reflection or ask your virtual girlfriend to come kick my ass. Hey by the way, do modem tones turn you guys on? Net: We dated a modem once. We had to dump it, though. Things just weren’t moving fast enough Á *BA DUMP CHING* I’m just curious. Second, wonderful crazy Á take the stick out of your ass and relax. Here’s a haiku for you:
Hate whiny bitches,
Please go get a NUTTING life,
Where’s my sedative?
By the way… What is it with the morons on I94? Doesn’t anyone understand the concept of merging? Net: SUVs don’t have to merge Jesus Christ, was everyone in this state dropped on their head as a child, or is there just something in the water? Oh, and to that idiot in my philosophy class … Dude, shut the hell up. You don’t know what you’re talking about and no one else gives a damn. Net: That is no way to speak to your professor Á
From sapwap911: Well, this is it, Net. I’ve finally had it with all of these stuck up, white male chauvinist pigs Net: Yeah, we haven’t had enough white female chauvinist pigs write in that have plagued the entries to Network all year long. What happened to the days of squirrels and innocent poking of fun at Yudof? Where are the insights into the toils of everyday life at the U? Why has Network been reduced to printing all of this crapola from desperate bigots who obviously have major genitalia-inadequacy issues? Since Dr. Date is leaving, Net: A moment of silence Á NOT maybe Net should take initiative and start up a dating service for these morons and the loose women that write also seem to receive high Network publication rates. Net: Would you people want this? We here at the Daily have no idea with what to fill that space Á You people need to get a life. Enough of that. My current peeve on campus runs under the subject heading of “PEOPLE THAT GET IN MY WAY”. First, there are those who wait for the Campus Connector pretty much anywhere it stops — not back against anything that would cause them NOT to be in the way, but in the middle of the sidewalk all the way up to the curb Net: We’re confused, wethinks this letter needs a diagram where they are forever IN MY WAY. The Campus Connecter still sucks, no matter how quickly you get on it there will still be people breathing down your neck and smacking you around with their backpacks. Second, the little freshNUTS waiting for their Biology labs to start in Kolthoff, who sit with their legs straight out in the hallway. It’s like an obstacle course down there! As far as I’m concerned (as a fourth year graduating senior, Net: GC? heh heh), if the TA doesn’t let you in until exactly 9:05 (or whatever), it’s LICENSE to be a couple of minutes late, just so you’re NOT IN MY WAY!!! To both of these groups of people, I say MOVE!!! Have a happy day.
From JM’s PlayThing: JM isn’t so thrilled about all this ho-talk lately. He doesn’t like the word ho. He says he feels dirty and he would prefer to be known as a “man whore” or possibly “guy slut” but ho definitely has to go. Net: We will call him whatever we please. He has done us great wrong I should know, I sleep with him nearly every night and he’s been bitching about the ‘ho’ thing a lot lately. I have to throw a little comment in about the IT. I’m an IT guy and I don’t fit the stereotype at all. I don’t have any black wrangler jeans. I don’t need any fat chicks when I have JM all to myself when he isn’t “working”. By the way, Unreal Tournament {RG} rules! Net: It’s almost sad isn’t it, folks?
