Net: Stop the press…

Net: Stop the press!! It appears we have

A SCANDAL!!!

Net: The accusations run thick and rampant. Peewee — say it ain’t so. Explain yourself!

From The Finlander: Oh glorious Network, I have read your column for more than three years now, and I understand that everything printed in this section should be taken with a grain of salt. That is why I have never written in before when others have been bashing fraternities. Every time there is not a subject, the fraternity debate comes up (for those of you who have not been around as long).
I do, however, have to comment this time. Peewee, do you realize that copying someone’s writings is plagiarism? That’s right, what Peewee wrote was not original. I first heard it last summer while attending a fraternity convention. The letter Peewee wrote in is, word for word, what I heard. We listened to it because we were trying to find solutions to some of the problems that face the greek community.
People such as yourself, and others who generalize all fraternity and sorority members Net: And we hate everyone who generalizes, make it difficult for us to recruit quality members who do not fit the stereotypes. We know we face problems, but we are trying to find solutions. I challenge the rest of the University community to help us create a campus where everyone can get along and help each other out.
Also, Net, don’t use real names when you know it could hurt an individual (that is unacceptable, and an apology does not cut it in my eyes). Thanks for listening to my bitch session.

From A Former Boiler: The winner of the contest did not submit original material. I received the same letter via e-mail last year while attending Purdue University. Net: Guess we’re out of the loop on the cool mailing lists.
If people believe the greek system here is out of hand, they should travel to the University of Illinois or Purdue, the two largest greek systems anywhere. It is truly pathetic. I think the frat boy manifesto is hilarious and well worth sharing with the world, but I just wouldn’t want any credit to be taken improperly. Net: Fair enough. There is also an equally funny manifesto of the sorority girl. If anyone has that in his or her e-mail files, please send it in. Net: Please do — we are devotees of equal time.
Oh, by the way — I think more people should use the word “shack” when describing one-night stands. It’s a great word, don’t you think? Try to use “shady,” too. I once promised a frat boy I would try to make that word a catch phrase by using it wherever I went. He was a typical frat boy, Net: For a definition, see Monday’s Network on Daily Online but he gave me beer and introduced me to easy women, so I agreed.

From The Last FRAcTion Hero: Well, now that our wall of exclusivity has been shattered, and our secrets have been exposed for all to see, I must come clean. Peewee Net: Or whoever the real author is — Peewee? Are you out there? is right — we drink. We drink a lot. But who cares? (We’re waiting for our personal moments of clarity.) What isn’t great about drinking in a safe environment where my fragile reputation is cared for?
But seriously folks, we’re not all that bad. And sure, my roommates have been known to have a couple of button-down shirts, and it’s been rumored that they might reapply cologne on an hourly basis, but do you really find it necessary to spend 45 minutes of your life complaining about it? Did you really think that you’d get them/us/me to respond? Net: Well …
If you’re lucky, by Thursday, when they/we/I regain lucidity, you might hear some complaints, but then the weekend starts and it’s game on again.
I’ve got no complaints about the way I think you live your life — in fact, I might even know a couple of randoms. (Do the cook and the cleaning-guy count?) Net: Ouch.
Believe it or not, I have a sense of humor that extends beyond shaving my passed-out roommate or beating up on the occasional nerd who happens to pass by the porch. I might even have a small slice of morality.
Angelic frat boys of the world, unite! We’ll call ourselves IFC. Oh damn …

It is interesting that you, the supposedly open-minded press, find it necessary to encourage people to stereotype fraternities. Net: Now wait a minute. We had two categories — we can’t help it if fraternity defenders aren’t as funny. Aren’t there at least some e-mail forwards you could have sent? I don’t think they need any encouragement. Most people around campus seem to be quite adept at jumping on the stereotype bandwagon while suppressing the urge to think for themselves. Net: Well, isn’t college preparation for the real world? They really have an extraordinary ability to create a single description for so many different people. So, I really can’t see any way for you to get more people stereotyping. Quit encouraging them. Net: Gee — some folks can’t take a light-hearted contest. But actually, all you folks have a point out there. As we have done before, we are hereby announcing a FRATERNITY LETTER MORATORIUM, effective immediately and indefinitely. NO MORE SORORITY/FRATERNITY COMMENTARIES, PLEASE. Sometimes it seems tougher to get off this topic than it was for the United States to get out of ‘Nam. But we’ll try. And we shall succeed. Until victory always, folks. And have a great day.