SAUCY SUMMERTIME
From Rolla Diva: Dear Net, I hope your summer has been half as spicy as mine! Net: *Munchin’ on buffalo wings* Hell, yeah! Sometimes I think about you little Daily worker bees, sitting in your over-air-conditioned offices freezing your little tushies off, wishing you had a way-cool real-world job like PeeWee. Net: Tip to rest of Networkia: You want your letter printed? Refer to our tushies as little. Oh wait, I have the way-cool real-world job and PeeWee has the ass, suck-it-up-at-the-butt-crack-of-dawn job. How could I make that mistake? Net: Easy one to make. Actually, a lot of folk wrote in to defend the Peester. We simply don’t care anymore. BORED OF IT. Talk about something else, Rolla. I make my own hours, am in charge of my own program, and I get to wear whatever I want, which we all know is THE most important part of enjoying your workplace. That and getting to do your work outside on nice days. Net: TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE OR WE WILL DELETE THE REST OF YOUR LETTER. Which of course, I get to do! I really, really hate to make PeeWee feel inferior, but really he could
PUFFY RULES
From Bobble: OK, all you readers of Networkland. (I suppose Network will sound off on their opinion, but that goes without saying, so I don’t know why I am saying it.) Net: ZUH? I will first admit that I am no longer a student of the University. Most people think I’m a grad, but in reality I just found an employer that figured after seven years of schooling, an actual degree would be pointless. Net: Right. Some employers would figure if it takes the student seven years to not even graduate, they might not be worth hiring. Whatevs. That said, I’m kinda out of touch with what music is cool with college kids of today. Net: Oh, it’s all about Benjamins. I know when I was in college, or of proper college age, the music of MTV was cool. Granted, I am talking about the days when Cobain was alive, so times were different. But now, I look at MTV and can’t possible imagine any self-respecting college student actually liking the sh*t they play. Net: Has anyone noticed that our swear words keep disappearing? What’s up with that? They’re there in their full cuss glory when they leave our desk. Maybe there’s a kink in the system. Here’s every swear word we know (in Russian, French, English, Spanish and gibberish):
ACKTIGOVNOSHITANDSINSINOVNACOCKBLEHDSALOPEPUFFD*DDYADFCHINGATEUIRPECKAMIEPEKACHUPMEPENEFILSDEPUTEMORALMAJORITYBITEMEMELCHERJACOVINOSHEISSKOPFMEINCROISSANTESTDERSTWEINERSCHNITZELSOOKAKLEBENCULEFUCKCLUPMEPENEBITITITITITICHBITICHBITICHBIRITHCHCIBTICHBITCHFUOOOCCCCKENTTOOTENKAMMENHARRISBLOWSBITEUSKENGRIFFEYJRSHITHSITHISTHISTHISTHSITHSITHSITHSITHSITHSITHSITHSITHSITHSTIHSTIHTSSHIT’NSTUFFGRADUATIONTITSBIGASSSWEATYGODDAMNBALLWASHINGBASTARDSWHOLICKCHODESaADFKJLKJHANDSTUFFBLEWRJWLEJRWLETAMEREESTSIGROSSEQU’ILFAUTLAROULERDANSLAFAIREPOURROUOUELLEMOUILLE
And now back to the article, which you’ve (hopefully) forgotten by now. Britney Spears, Christina, and the boy bands? Net: They’re the shiznit, bizatch! Whoa, too much gibberish in that Buttafuco. While I must admit I can’t help doing the “Bye Bye Bye” wave every time I hear that song, this really isn’t the music I would want to identify with. So what’s up, readers? Is this the music of your generation, or is there some music outlet I am unaware of? Net: *Ahem* bite us. We’re the real Slim Shady.
PEE PEE!
From Pres. Weasel: Hey, hey, Net: hey Net. Just like to drop a note to everyone that if they get bored sometime this summer, and need a fun activity to do, they can come to Wilson Library and pee Net: YAY! Why? because the GO GOPHERS urinals are back! Net: *Sniff* Sweet land of liberty. Of thee I sing. And they put in new stink disks so the bathrooms smell like high school. Net: Reason enough for us.
On a completely unrelated note, I’ve really liked the fact the name Pearl Jam has been mentioned in Network over the summer a couple of times. Net: Pres. Weasel spoke in, NEEEEET today! That’s all. Net: That it is.
NET LOVIN’
From Tiggs: OK, Net, I’m feeling a little dissed that I am being ignored while people write in and complain about that stupid cartoon. Net: Well at least you think it’s stupid. You coulda joined in. Maybe you just did. Especially since you claim to only get five or six letters a day, and mine aren’t good enough. Net: That’s right, Tiggs. We’re pullin’ ya off the bench. We had about six Peewee letters we could have run, but we went with you, kid. Get out there and ripsh!tup. I write quality stuff, don’t I? Net: Not today, but usually. Your grammar is almost always impeccable. What else can I do to return to my status as a regular? Net: Nice whinin’, kid. You’re makin’ a name for yourself. Help me see the light, Net. Now, what about Peewee? Why he gets printed over me I’ll never know. Net, you don’t have to print his stuff just because. Net: We don’t. Check it out. This is where the kid gets on a roll. Especially if he angers you by saying you have to print his stuff. How dare he challenge your almighty authority. Net: HELL YES! Let him get printed by writing quality crap, or just by sucking up like I am trying to do right now. I am glad there are people like Yngwie out there who will attack people like him. I want to attack him as well, in a dark alley, with a crowbar. Peewee is just missing the days of college since he realizes it takes a lot more than a case of Busch Light and a frat membership to buy friends in the real world. Back to the Melcher cartoon thing. Net: you’re on a roll, kid. Like it, hate it, does anyone really care? Net: DAMN STRAIGHT. We could care less. It’s a FOCKIN CARTOON. I’m sure a few of you morons out there do, but I definitely don’t. OK, the time has come for me to return to more important things, like my nympho girlfriend waiting for me to return so the freaky sex can begin. Until later, Net. Net: Damn! Leave it to Tiggs to set the record straight. Take that, ya’ll.