Many students encountered the Whore of Babylon on Washington Avenue Southeast on Thursday afternoon. The Whore has returned to her birthplace and alma mater in time to celebrate the apocalypse.
“Upon my returneth, I was flooded with sweet memories of ages gone by,” the Whore said. “Good times were hadeth by all.”
Sitting in a Washington Avenue Southeast coffee shop, the Whore got more than a few strange looks with her bright scarlet-and-purple attire, as well as her flaming hair.
Sipping on her double-espresso mocha latte, the Whore reminisced, “Damn, I wish we had some of that wine of fortification we had in the good ol’ days. I used to hide flasks all over my body. I stole the innocence of more than a few young men, let me tell you.”
The Whore has often been portrayed by the media as malevolent, but she said people have got her all wrong.
“So maybe I’ve persecuted a few Christians, have been accused of being the anti-Christ, am offensive to God and murdered 68 million people during the Spanish Inquisition. So? I am a Whore! When you “prick” a whore, does she not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you wrong us, should we not revenge?”
“When I heard the University was closing for the apocalypse, I decided to visit all the old haunts before they were obliterated by the snarling hideous demons that will scorch the world in a blistering fire from hell.
“So I partied at Pi Chi Ditie Ome, got my groove on at Tropix and drank the night away at Sally’s. Man, I’ve missed this place.”
For the next 14 days, the Whore says she plans on screwing around at the construction sites and preparing for doomsday.
The Whore said she regrets not accomplishing enough before Armageddon.
“If I still had time, I’d be sure to revive the New Kids and Milli Vanilli, have John Tesh’s love child and serve Mark Yudof crepes in bed.”
At the end of the interview, a heavenly voice was heard from above:
“Goddamn that Whore,” saith God.

Axel Foley would welcome comments, but, no.