COLLEGE WARS RAGE…

COLLEGE WARS RAGE ON
From GC to G: How the hell do you get off declaring war on the General College? Net: We think they’re stockpiling chemical weapons in Appleby Hall, but they won’t let us in to inspect. It is a well known fact that GC gives disadvantaged (for whatever reason) students a much needed second chance to prepare for the rigors of college. Many GC alumni have gone on to become very successful in other colleges (including the “almighty” IT and CSOM). We do not hold a grudge against those schools for the negative comments from a self-centered asshole falsely named G (what is that supposed to be — a gangsta or somethin’?). I didn’t think gangstas were prominent in the Institute of Technology. Net: University Police have reported a recent rash of drive-by calculations and slide-rule beatings. Just don’t wear a blue Columbia jacket around the physics building. So next time you choose to pick on a college, try the school of music. At least GC students are trying. I have yet to see a music major study at all. Net: Uh, that’s because they’re spending a little time PRACTICING. Just a little. G, the next time you try to get with that hot chick sitting next to you, remember, she may be a GC alumnus. Net: Worse — she could be from White Bear Lake.

BORDER BANTER
It seems some ungrateful cheesehead wants to turn my x-mas gift into a war. This moron likes to assume so let me join in the fun. He is probably one who wears one of those dumb cheesehead things on his head and thinks he looks great, like a real die-hard. Hardly coming to grips with the fact that wearing a block of cheese on one’s head has got to be the most moronic fad to ever be established in football, Net: Shirtlessness notwithstanding and would obviously only come out of Wisconsin. Net: Like Jeffrey Dahmer. And Al Fish. And Ed Geen. We’ll stop now. Like the lifetime die-hard Vikings football fan I am I can’t explain the joy that I am receiving from this football year. I was a fan through the terrible Les Steckel and Jerry Burns regimes, through the Herschel Walker trade and most recently through our recent playoff disappointments. I do, however, stick with my team year in and year out. I would really like to challenge you to a game of football knowledge, oh great one who likes to assume. This is exactly where my eloquent poem stems from. Being a football fan my whole life, I understand what it takes for a team to reach the Super Bowl; this Vikings team has it, and will win it all. Net: More Network chicken-counting.

MARK’S PARKING SPOT

From Bubba the Kid: I have been experiencing severe pains when it comes to parking my car in the “cheap” lots. Net: You get what you pay for. Pay for comfort — we do. When I get to campus, usually around 10:30 a.m., there is only one gate accepting cars. My beef is with the president of this campus: Does Yudof know what a pain in the ass the parking situation has become? Net: Yudof, wethinks, has his own special parking spot; the answer is no. Besides, then there’s that little office called Parking and Transportation Services that worries about that stuff for him. While driving through the back way to the Buckeye Lot I see hundreds of open spots but there are cones keeping me and my Lincoln out! Net: That’s because they’re trying to preserve the hundreds of spots your Lincoln would take up. There is a conspiracy I tell ya, a conspiracy! Dear Mr. President, fix the problem with the gates or whatever the problem is Net: See, there’s a little office called Facilities Management that worries about that stuff for him or if you don’t, will you pick me up so I can park with you? Net: Now that we can see happening … If you live on the way from Eastcliff … whaddya say, Mark?

A AND AIEEEEEEE!

From Nathaniel Hornblower: I am writing to complain about the little subsection of your paper known as the Arts and Entertainment section. In what could be a very cool and informative piece of work, is jumbled with obscure, and frankly uninteresting garble. I understand it is a college paper, so appeal to the average college student. I am not talking about writing about the Backstreet Boys Net: Move your body … move your body right … or something like that. Or is that ‘N Sync? G, write us back and let us know or the Counting Crows or John Grisham books or “I Know What You Did Last Summer.” I am talking about finding new, up-and-coming or old and respected bands that appeal to the normal person. Net: Yeah, more Neil Diamond! Captain and Tenille! Gordon Lightfoot! Not these terribly obscure pop bands or gross punk gigs. Just give the masses what they want. The movie reviews are fine. Art: good. But the music and books section could be much better. Net: And more naked people on campus.

CHEWING THE FAT

From Greg Brady: When I read Fat-Head‘s Network entry, a vision of an agitated porcupine came forth. I know those spines are only skin deep so I guess is what concerns me is, what do you suppose she Net: Or was she a she? You think about that meant by, “I am a woman, but you wouldn’t be able to tell by looking at me, even if I were in the nude”? Net: Imagine a naked Ken doll with a Cabbage Patch Kid head on it. Fat-Head I hate to snag Net: There’s a nauseating verb choice! anything like the women with the purple candy floss hair pictured on the back page of Tuesday’s Daily in the American Express ad!!!