From Citizen: It’s come to our attention that an Obsequian operative, disguised as an innocent 19-year-old female student, has been lurking about U Liquors. Her mission: to implore unsuspecting, sympathetic of-age Networkians and Independents alike to make illegal libations purchases, thereby turning them over to the Terror Senate disguised as Minneapolis police. DO NOT FALL VICTIM TO THIS OPERATION. Consider yourselves warned.
From Lord Calvert: Dear all-knowing Network, I have come to the last remaining source of true wisdom in my search for a very simple answer. What is the meaning of life? Net: We swore we wouldn’t tell. Ask the Minister of Concurrence. It seems that a certain gantleman named Albert Camus (pewrnounced as French as possible, I hate him too) feels that life is nothing but a whirlwind of absurdity defined by religious and cultural boundaries that really have no true meaning what so ever. MOC: Yes. He was right. I, myself, disagree. Life is much more like a bottle of whiskey and a bunch of surority gils. Net: See, we’re going with this one. Whaddya say, Minister? MOC: Okay. As soon as you mix two thing the roots are exposed (in this case dark under blond) and people have sex because we’re animals damb it. Net: And lousy spellers … sheesh. And we like to prey on the most vulnerable, those wearing desiner clothes as an security blanket. I hope this may spark a livly debate about what truely makes up this fantasmonious life. Net: Have at it, Networkians. Next week: The meaning of life in five acts.
From University Student: Hey Net — that entry you published from Dr. Wilcoxon the other day kinda got me thinking — the people who were, erm … copulating on the mall the other day were probably exhibitionists. Net: Or lost. Or have roommates that never leave. But I think that randomly picking a spot and hoping that someone might see you is not very effective. So why not have a mailing list where exhibitionists can announce that they’re going to be doing something at sometime, someplace, and voyeurs can saunter on over and watch from across the street or something? Net: ATTENTION, UNIVERSITY POLICE. Everyone gets what they want, no one who doesn’t care for this sort of thing has to be involved, we all go home happy. Net: Is this Moleman? So I made one — if you want to subscribe, go to http://www.onelist.com/subscribe.cgi/umsx and fill out the form information. Net: NETWORK IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANYTHING. Everything there is confidential, so no one will know who you are, and you can perform or watch as often as you like. And Net — if you print this, I’ll give you some dirt on King T that will give you leverage over him you would have never imagined possible. Net: If we strike him down, he shall become more powerful than we can possibly imagine. Later, and for the record, I’m with you all the way, Network.
Net: Here’s one from the vault; note the reference to “winter.” We’re spring cleaning.
From Easy Rider: Once I found myself in the Arizona sun and away from the brutal Minnesota winters, I thought that I would finally be away from one thing that really annoyed me at the University. No, I’m not talking about the regents, mall squirrels, or Miles Tarver’s nappy ‘stache. What I’m talking about is Brother Jed. Sure enough — as I’m cruising the mall here at the University of Arizona, there is Brother Jed telling me how I am going to hell for my sin. MOC: You are. I beg of you gopher-type people, please take this guy back to the University so I can enjoy the southwest without knowing how I am going to linger in purgatory for eternity!
From Absent Minded: Dear Network, I humbly request you assistance. On Sunday, May 2, I lost my watch and cannot find it. Net: Where’s the last place you remember having it? The last place I remember having it was at the East River Road River Flats park, around 11:30 a.m. It was a men’s Geoffery Beene watch, with a silver band and black face. It also had the weekday and the date on the face. If anyone has found it I am willing to give a $15 reward. Net: Oooo … hmmm … let’s see … fifteen bucks, or a new Geoffery Beene watch?
From The Insane Viking: Oh glorious Network, let me pledge my loyalty to your great crusade against King T and those damned Obsequians. Net: Yeah! Curse them! We hates them! I and my loyal force of Norwegian midget kung-fu commandos, led by my battle axe-wielding warrior girlfriend, will fight to the death. With our fleet of heavily modified Dodge Lancers, we shall guard the land approaches against any invasion attempt. Net: The river and land are fortified; now who will defend the skies? The Dodges are capable of quickly converting into some of the most powerful mobile weapons on earth. They are as dependable as the great Millennium Falcon, and get great mileage. Those pests will never know what hit them. Long live the great NITWIT!!!!
From RF to Star of the Morning: I’m shocked and saddened by your letter on Monday. Did you have no childhood at all? Or maybe you just didn’t read the right books. He warned us about that in the third book. A regular Eustace Scrubb is what you are. But there’s still hope. For your info, Lord Trumpkin is a dwarf (not to be mistaken with a troll). He appears in books two and four of the “Chronicles of Narnia,” by C.S. Lewis. Net: Webets Star knew this. Ever heard of being a seafish … erm … facetious? And C.S. Lewis is only one of the greatest children’s writers of the 20th century (right up there with Theodore Geissel and J.R.R. Tolkien). Net: “The Lord of the Rings” was for children? We’re shocked! And the DLF? … well, I’ll let you find that out for yourself my dear little friend …