Net: Rolla? PeeWee?…

Net: Rolla? PeeWee? Phlegm? Obi? Tiggs? Ted C.W.? Have we offended thee? Are we no longer privy to thine divine opines? Pray tell, when shall ye return?

From SJ: Hi. Does anyone else think that it is odd that every single hockey player is from Minnesota? Net: Only the people who have been following Gophers hockey for, like, three days. Nobody really has a choice of where they go to high school … that shouldn’t count when picking a hockey team. Net: While you were sleeping, the brain wizards in marketing whipped up a little something called “Minnesota’s Pride on Ice,” which, believe it or not, was because of the fact there hasn’t been a non-Minnesotan on the team since 1987. But rumor has it Lucky Lucia has a couple of foreigners in his sights, leading us to wonder if the slogan might soon change to “Minnesota’s Winning Team on Ice.”

From PremoKing: Net, I am determined to cash in on this goddamn PokÇmon craze with a few short PokÇ stories of my own. Note: This is only a test PokÇstory. The full version will be available when the polls show that the demand is sufficient. Net: What a tease. You kids enjoy.
Once upon a time there was this little water PokÇmon named Squirtle. Net: Isn’t that the word for the process of relieving oneself of the last few drops of … oh, never mind. He wasn’t a little bitch, even though everyone else said he was. One day, he went down to the bar and ordered a beer. The whole forest was soon buzzing with the news. The elder PokÇmon were concerned that the drink would go straight to his little head. Sure enough, the elder PokÇmon were right. Net: We might actually get caught up in this PokÇmon craze if it were revealed some of the characters are struggling with chemical dependence. That always makes for a good laugh.
Before he knew it he was talking s##!t to everyone in the forest. At first, Charizard tried to ignore him, but his poking and prodding became just too much. He smacked his bitch-ass up a bit and sent him on his drunken way. Net: This is truly the only way to deal with a belligerent drunk. Unless he’s bigger than you.
Psyduck had just come home from the store where he had stolen a handful of groceries. He had an incredible headache. Squirtle began eating griploads of Psyduck’s stolen Cheetos. Psyduck was very unhappy. He first threatened to kill him and then felt sorry for the poor bastard and decided to let him off easy. Net: So Psyduck just severed one of Squirtle’s stubby limbs. He even let the little guy pick which one would go. Squirtle stumbled back to his home and carefully slipped into his pokÇbed without disturbing his parents. That night, he dreamed a fantastic dream of the Nidoran. She was a slut and everyone knew it, but little Squirtle had a great crush on her. But that, my friends, is a whole ‘nother story …. Net: One which, and we believe we speak for all of Networkia, you should keep to yourself.

From Abortion Survivor: EXTRA! EXTRA! NETWORK GETS ITS MIND BLOWN!!! Net: Not since we took in a peep show in a seedy Manhattan joint. But that’s another story for another Network, preferably one in a parallel universe. I would like to take this moment to suckle at the tit of depravity. First of all, I want to speak out against the media’s complete indifference to the fact that another great golfer was on that plane with Payne Stewart. Yes, comrades, I’m talking about the legendary golfer Dorf. … All they found were mini golf clubs floating on the water. Too hot to handle, Network, or should I proceed? Net: Actually, the milk of depravity runneth over said tit, but we’re all eyes. Offend away. Anyway, I was walking to “frat row” on University there, and what I saw took me to the f&@kin’ depths that only Dante could appreciate. A certain “fraternity” that shall remain nameless Net: Oh, come on … what’s another knock against fraternities going to do? participated in an act of pure carnality and debauchery. Yup, folks, I’m talkin’ ’bout GAY SLIP ‘N’ SLIDE. Net: Sounds like a good name for a cable variety show. I couldn’t believe it. I swore it was a casting call for Caligula, but I was mistaken. Gangelhoff, draped in a black cloak, was running around with a oversized novelty feather, tickling all who refused to slide. Net: Did Clem pay her to do that, too? I also saw one of the nastiest tickle fights in history. There was I, a mere random, privy to the inner workings of a fraternity. At the end, there was nothing but a pile o’ wet man-meat. Did anyone else catch this? Net: We’re thinking the participants might have caught something. Sometimes I am vain … others times a monster. I am the garage flower!

From Carpstheman: Dear Network, this is in response to Spartacus: How dare you! I haven’t heard such blasphemy in all my days of reading the Network! The brave men and women of our police units are out there protecting our streets and keeping our pastry business alive, and what do you have to say but insults. Net: Spartacus, it’s clear you’re a dirty, cold-blooded bastard. Attaboy. Here’s a hint: Look when you drive! Cops, as sneaky as they might be, don’t always have the advantage. Net: What they do have is radar, a laptop and a shotgun behind the seat, and if that ain’t an advantage, we don’t know what is. Nothing a little attention to the road might cure. Talk about bad drivers. At least those people driving 55 in the fast lane have their eyes on the road. So don’t be so neurotic. The cops’ main job is not busting up your little Jeff Gordon wannabe freeway trips. In fact, one of their special duties is accepting sexual favors from willing, buxom babes like yourself, Net: Huh? Maybe we weren’t paying attention, which is entirely possible, but we didn’t realize Sparty was so endowed. hoping to weasel their way out of impending fines! So what have we learned: 1) Pay attention to the road, or 2) loosen up your sexual inhibitions with officers. Net: Or 3) keep a few bear claws in the glove compartment. Thank you for your time, Net.