Network: DARN the Gopher!; Goldy Kicks Ars; HostileLeft

>Ahoy, Net! I am writing to mend the rift between three of the major political parties on our campus. Naturally, I am speaking of those disputing over whether Captain Kickass the Death Pirate, a ninja, or a robot should be our next school mascot. I would like to propose a solution that all parties can embrace in our common desire to see that damn chipmunk vanquished to the hole from whence he came. Captain Kickass the Death Pirate is the perfect foundation on which to build our new mascot. Upon this solid foundation can built the diversity that our university so craves. Our dear Captain should be equipped with a parrot, but not any ordinary parrot; a robot parrot. Net: Mecha-Roshi! This mechanical terror would ideally be equipped with laser eyes and razor sharp talons of death. Not only should our mascot be equipped with a killer robot parrot, but he should also have the pirate’s second most common crony: a monkey. Just think of the innate ability of monkeys to kick ass. Not only can they choke you by wrapping their tail around your neck much like a boa constrictor, but they can punch you in the face at the same time! But this wouldn’t be any ordinary strangling, face-punching monkey, certainly not. This would be a ninja monkey! Don’t tell me that monkeys can’t be ninjas, as they clearly fit the three criteria that NBE138 provided. Net: See the 1993 Hong Kong action film “Iron Monkey.” I believe that the above proposal will sufficiently represent all parties involved and I therefore encourage everyone to vote for Captain Kickass the Death Pirate (and associates). Thank you.

From Goldy Kicks Ars

I lieu of the recent debate over whether or not our awesome Goldy should be replaced by a dirty pirate or a mute ninja, I would like to offer some support as to why a gopher makes a kick ars mascot:

1) Gophers are extremely aggresive, they bear their battle scars proudly. The only thing Pirates have to show for a battle is a peg leg, a nasty limp, and a bottle of whiskey. Net: It’s RUM!

2) Gophers can run backward just as fast as they can run forward (as evidenced in Michigan) Net: Harsh.

3) Gophers do not hibernate which makes them a true Minnesota mascot And finally, the most obvoius reason a gopher makes an awesome mascot…

4) It is not a Badger!

On a different note, the U should put bathrooms on the campus connectors so that when you wake up late for class and have to pee really bad, you can go on the bus instead of fearing wetting yourself by the time you get to class. Net: Given the embarrassing inability of MSA to create a late-night bus, it might not be smart to hold your breath until this happens.

From HostileLeft

Hey Networkina, what the NUTT is up with cry baby republican letters to the editor. Net: Who is “Networkina?” Networkia, being the collective of Network readers, shouldn’t need a feminine form. Boo hoo, I didn’t get my allowance this weeks and had to buy my own kegger for the frat. Sorry the trust fund didn’t kick in yet Mr. Rightwing. But in all fairness, righters might be correct. Maybe the left does represent most students. After all the majority of students desire employment in America (not China or India) when they graduate. Many student even dare to support equal opportunities for homosexuals and minorities. Oh yeah and the typical student wants affordable education. So maybe we donkeys do get a lot a bit hostile toward elephantine ideologies. But if elephants can justify calling a country guilty before innocent of terrorism and charge the hell out of them, I reckon, donkeys can substantiate kicking over a lawn sign. Net: Umm, yeah, whatever that means.