BIG BILL ON CAMPUS
From Mr. BD: Greetings Networkia! I am writing in regard to a weekly occurrence on Northrop Mall. Every Wednesday or so, a man is out on the lawn proclaiming his word at the top of his lungs. “Brother Bill,” or so he is known, has quite a bit to say about the students of this University.
Seems he thinks we are all sinners and need redemption or will face judgment at the hand of God. And his list is far-reaching. In the three weeks I have heard him, he has managed to verbally bash homosexuals, blacks, women, Indians (both native and Asian), Buddhists, Net: lightpole huggers, atheists and humanists, philosophy majors, Net: Networkians who, against all reason, continue to submit entries on the always-clever squirrels-taking-over-campus topic, animal-rights activists, groups that believe in their own omnipotence, Net: Lissen up, Billy-boy. Leave our sex lives outta this everyone at Boynton Health Service and Catholics.
For the most part, his arguments, however degrading and demeaning to everyone on campus, are pretty funny to listen to. I, myself, am Catholic, so I do believe in God. Net: We didn’t realize that faith was a prerequisite to Catholicism. We thought it had more to do with eating Filet O’ Fish sandwiches on Fridays. But some of the blasphemy he is preaching at the top of his lungs is so incredibly ludicrous one can’t help but chuckle — for those of you who know Bill, I refer to his ongoing “Adam and Steve” comments. Net: We don’t know how Bill feels, but we think Steve is definitely the cuter of the two. There is even an anti-Bill group petitioning to have him removed from campus. Now, I am not against anyone who tries to advocate their religion by praising it through persuasive speech. But he basically tries to force it by verbally offending everyone.
Anyone who is interested in listening to the “Brother Bill Comedy Hour” can find him in his tattered flannel shirt standing in the middle of Northrop Mall on sunny days during the week. Oh, and do ask him about the evils of self-pleasure. That’s one of his THIS ONE’S FOR BILL
favorite topics. Net: In that case …
From Pogo: In the spirit of Healthy Sexuality Week (which also happens to be Disney Week … coincidence?), Net: Disney is all about repressed sexuality. Think about it; Donald Duck never wears any pants, but when he gets outta the shower, he always wraps a towel around his waist. I wish to enlighten you all on my method of safe sex. Before I begin, let me remark that I am not only an IT freak, but a CSCI major at that. You have probably guessed it by now. Yes, my method is no sex. No frickin’ poonta at all. Rest assured that my needs do not go unsatisfied, however. Using various household appliances, a lamp shade — don’t ask — and my trusty two gigs of porn –I challenge you to find a larger collection — Net: Give us a credit card, a Web browser and a modem, and we will show you pleasures beyond comprehension. I manage to lengthen my dry spell by at least another day.
Now, I know all you CLA guys right now are saying, “Pfft. I haven’t stroked my cigar since seventh grade.” Net: “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.” — Freud. Sure, you guys are getting the girls now, but just you wait. When I start pulling in the $2,000 checks, we’ll see who’s getting it on. Assuming your girl stays with you until you graduate, they will leave when they realize that your $20,000 salary just doesn’t cut it. Net: You shouldn’t speak so highly of women. One of them might begin paying attention to you. Trust me.
Meanwhile, I encourage all, boy and girl, young ALL CREATURES GREAT AND SMALL
and old, to unite with me in a moment of disease-free self-pleasure. If you’re plum out of masturbatory material, think of Donald Duck. Net: What’d we tell ya?
From Ducky’s Girl: Net, I have joyfully and faithfully read you for the three long years I have been here. Net: Fortune cookie for you: Your patience is a liability. I want to announce that I am officially starting a “Take Down the Rabid Dawg” alliance for those readers out there who are sick of reading how this self-proclaimed loser has to pay chicks to be near him, especially Ducky, because you have inspired me to do this, and I love that name. If only I had known that one could earn money for being around Rabid, for I could today be a very rich little girl. Net: And a morally depraved one at that! Yes, people, hard as it is to admit, there was a time when I thought I could have something special with this rabid beast of a creature — who, BTW, does look like he still believes in Hitler — but, alas, he would have nothing to do with me. I don’t want to cause confusion; I don’t want to sound like a former girlfriend, because that is not the case, I would like to say that I wanted to be oh-so-close to him for a long time, and things just did not pan out. Net: Hmmm … rabid, Hitler, weapons on the wall, EE major. What the hell are you, a tri-Delt? But I digress. My objective here is not to tell everyone what a foamy freak he is — although that is true; it is to say that his over-analytical way of looking at EVERYTHING is starting to taint my
BUS KILL
mornings and the occasional afternoon, and I would like to see less of what he has to say and more from people who don’t need to fight with the world to feel noticed. Net: We feel the same way about Larry King’s column in USA Today. My suggestion: Do the plastic bubble thing and let the world watch him foam from within.
From Great Bason: Hello, Net and all you fellow faithful readers. I’m a senior here at the University (my fourth year — and I’m not 60 years old), and I’ve seen a great many problems.
But a recently developing one has really got under my skin, and I have a great solution for it. Net: Benzoyl Peroxide? How many of you, like myself, have watched bus after bus go by at the Huron lots because there are just too many people on them? Well, no more! I am requesting that a small piece of the guardrail on the Washington Avenue Bridge be removed and that remote control devices be installed on all the buses. Then, one random bus per week, without the knowledge of the driver or students, will suddenly be steered off the bridge and into the river! Not only will this cut down on the enormous student population and bus overcrowding, but it will also eliminate another idiotic driver and give the bus a wash. Net: And, perhaps, cut down on the tiresome squirrel letters. Everybody wins! Well, almost everybody …