THAT’S SOME NOIS…

THAT’S SOME NOISY GAS!
From Goddess: Two gripes. First of all, why is it necessary for the custodial crew at the St. Paul Student Center to be constantly noisy while they clean the terrace cafe eating/study area? Net: Smoldering resentment over not getting enough financial aid when they were 18 to join the best and brightest at the University (Yes, there are best and brightest here). This is a STUDY AREA 95 percent of the time, since the food service is only open for a few hours a day.
One night for ??? hours, (I don’t know, I finally left) many hard-at-work students had to put up with VERY LOUD STEAM CLEANING! They were cleaning all of the chairs. I know they have to do it sometime but you’d think they could at least close off part of the area, or warn us of the annoying activity before it takes place.
Secondly, why is it standard practice for the police force in Dinkytown to leave their police cars idling in this warm weather while they stand around inside coffee shops for long periods of time? Net: Because danger could strike at anytime, and no amount of fossil fuels can be spared when protecting our men in blue. Don’t they realize the gas (and taxpayers’ money to pay for that gas) they are wasting, not to mention the pollution problem they are contributing to? Net: We’re more worried about flatulence from all the doughnuts.
It just doesn’t make sense. They pull US over for breaking the very speed limit laws that were put into effect to cut down on our gas consumption and then insist on wasting a bunch of it themselves. Thanks for letting me vent.

FEELIN’ SQUIRRELY
From Tossedsaladman: I would like to declare to the campus community that I no longer think sex with the squirrels should be looked upon as deviant behavior. Net: You mean it was? I mean, after all, they’re so cute. Furthermore, I recall an article from Dr. Date that mentioned that dogs wouldn’t necessarily view sex with humans as wrong, since they think we’re big hairless canines. Net: But has anyone asked them? Well, why shouldn’t squirrels feel the same way? Net: We don’t know. Why WOULD they think we’re big, hairless canines? I want to be a big hairless rodent, with those cute little asses. Net: Thanks for sharing. At this point, the letter-writer goes into great detail about alleged bestial acts with the aforementioned animals, acts which we doubt are possible and which we are certain would be found obscene under today’s conservative Supreme Court. Thus, we exercise our gatekeeping privileges and cease our printing of this letter. And Tossedsaladman, please remember that we do have your e-mail address, and that many of the things you describe are illegal in this state. Be careful.

NITWIT’S FASCINATING FACTS

Walter Cavanaugh, “Mr. Plastic Fantastic,” has 1,196 different valid credit cards.

The oldest known goldfish lived to 41 years of age. Its name was Fred.

In 1987, a 1,400-year-old lump of still-edible cheese was unearthed in Ireland.