I SCREAM, YOU SCREAM
From OnePissedSonuvabitch: I would like to address this letter to the infantile a–hole(s) in Territorial who get their kicks by tossing ice cream Net: See: Cheech & Chong “Up In Smoke” for funny reference here around in the tunnel between Territorial and Centennial. You bastard(s) have pissed me off one too many times.
Last time I checked we were all in college. Net: Check again, just to be sure. You might be in “computer camp.” One would logically conclude that if a person were intelligent enough to get into college (even the University) that he should possess the common sense not to throw ice cream about as he pleases. Net: See: Minnesota Zoo monkey cages, Re: fecal matter for funny reference here Most college students did not come to college to spend their time walking to and from their glorious UDS meals side-stepping the remnants of your goddamn barely-eaten dessert. Now I am well aware of the fact that Territorial Hall is a freshman dorm — sorry, residence hall — but I think that a college freshman should have evolved at least enough from his elementary school years to know better than to discard his ice cream cone on the f—in’ floor. Net: The worst part is the waste of perfectly good ice cream. Shameful! I bet you are the same sonuvabitch that goes straight in the left turn lane and forgets to flush the toilet after you take the worst dump of your life (when you choose to use the toilet, you coprophile). You are my nemesis (or nemeses), you inconsiderate pr–k(s). I urge anyone who sees this deviant (or these deviants) in action to find out where he (or they) live(s), then post their room number up so all who are perturbed by the perpetrator(s) can gather and join in a good, old-fashioned draw-and-quartering. Ice cream side-steppers of T-Hall unite!
IT’S JUST A BILL, FOLKS
From My Sharon-a: What is bestiality? Net: Sex with animals. Is that like the best sex you’ve ever had? Net: Not … unless you’re an animal … Why would that be against the law? Net: Because, lady — it’s weird. Who will think of the pets? If the democrats vote for it, they have my vote!!!!! Net: On the bestiality platform? Good grief …
DUMB IDEA
From Ben Gay: Reading your column these past few days has opened my mind to what could possibly be the most ingenious solution to a common problem: dealing with dumb people. I am sure this will offend many people who identify themselves as dumb, but that only serves to solidify my point. Net: Dumb people don’t get offended. You see, Phlegm of Discontent was shrewd to realize that Bangladesh should move its country, but I propose that this should be postponed until my plan is successfully implemented. My plan is this: Send all of the dumb people from this country (eventually this would expand to include our allies) to Bangladesh where they would inevitably be swept out to sea during flooding. This would serve two good purposes (and I am convinced that there are more):
1) All negative thinking would be eliminated, freeing up space for valuable senses of humor, and Net: See, we’ve met lots of funny dumb people. You seem to have a flaw in your criteria …
2) Their bodies would serve as an excellent supplemental food source to the oceanic ecosystems.
As you can see from my outline, there is no reason why we should delay sending all of the dumb people (especially ones with no concept of humor) over to Bangladesh. In fact, their lack of funniness would cause them to be widely mistaken for cattle and, consequently, they would be revered as gods. Clearly, this is the best solution for everyone involved.
REC-ING HIS DAY
From RunTimeError: Oh my Network ice cream bar, how I love to lick your creamy center. Net: We like to think of ourselves as a Dreamsicle, so you’re right on, RunTime.
That said, I’d like to warn the world of the Equipment Room Gestapo over at the Rec Center. In a simple mix-up, I was assigned the wrong locker, and when I went to correct the matter, this ogre of a woman working in the Equipment Room with really ugly make-up and steam coming out of her ears, accused me of “taking over a locker” and demanded that I get out of that locker “RIGHT NOW” while she made the meanest, ugliest face she could manage. I was just amazed that anyone could be so angry over such a trivial matter, but I realized that if you were just a fat, double-chinned, chronic halitosis breathing, hemorrhoidal tissue-sprouting, puritis ani-suffering (look it up), Net: We did. How unfortunate for her. bad-hair-day-having, ugly-make-up-wearing, and just PLAIN UGLY, you’d be pretty bitter and pissed off at the world and ready to explode on innocent people, too. Net: WELL! Nice explosion yerself! Now if that ain’t the pot callin’ the reefer a dope … So I hope everyone understands why she’s so unpleasant. Yeah, and big props’ of the haiku-writing, kung-fu fighting rock docta pimp inflecta. That boy’s got mad skills.
Net: In fact, the rock docta is IN. Seems to be suffering some sort of posterior malady. Let us sympathize together:
SIT-IN
Haiku from the rock docta pimp inflecta:
poppin a fat roid
the walls are bleeding red pain
need cream, soft and cool.
