DEJA WHO?
From Lime Tacos: I had a debate with my roommates the other day about what is the most overrated group in the history of the University. Net: How about the committee that decided maroon and gold look good together? The usual ones got tossed out — the Minnesota Student Association, College Republicans, administrators, etc. Finally, though, we had a detente or Glasnost, if you will, between myself and one of my roommates. Net: So, is this where we say, “We’ll drink to that …?” We decided the most overrated group of all history would be … fraternities! Beer with me on this one. Net: If you’ve got beer with you, we’re with you. Every single weekend of frat life goes like this: quiet morning, loud party, quiet itch, Net: Embarrassing scratching display with a cocktail fork, loud breakout, trip to the free clinic, Net: Another opportunity to hang out with “phrat” pals, burning urination, sores fade away in the end. Frat life is inane, but I have to give them credit for combining sloppy, anonymous sex with binge drinking — that takes genius. Net: And what is with that whole rush thing? It reminds us of sleazy recruiters who lure mindless athletes into their lairs — play for us, fuhgeddabout school, and you’ll go straight to the top! The only time this format was ever strayed from was when they got busted and had to lay low for awhile. I was just wondering if anyone out there had a better candidate for “most overrated group of ALL TIME”!?!
DRUMS, BUMS AND SCUM
From KrisZ: I just want to say that …
1) Lemuel’s Disciple is completely wrong about the most overrated band. Metallica is underrated, as far as I’m concerned. I’d bet that Lemuel’s didn’t see Metallica play with an orchestra. It was amazing to watch and hear. Net: We’ll have to catch that on video. Can’t wait to see an old guy slam his Stradivarius into an amp as Lars Ulrich is speed-drumming on the timpani. Only a band like Metallica could play with an orchestra and still kick ass.
2) Is it just me, or has anyone else noticed that Brother Bill’s sermons are getting a little dry and lame Net: as opposed to moist and rigid? I think the rapidly changing weather Net: Not to mention all the naughty things he probably did back in the ’60s, the sorta stuff that forces a guy into the ministry in the first place, nudge, nudge has affected his brain (not that it makes much of a difference). I’m waiting for Brother Jed to come around.
3) Also, it’s about fricking time that someone opposed mandatory student services fees. I hope the Supreme Court rules in favor of the students, because I’m sick of paying for groups that I don’t support. Net: Yeah, like student newspapers! Oh, wait … What about a Straight and Proud group, or an Anti-Gopher Club? I’d give to them, but not to most of the groups that get money from every student that goes here and don’t even affect us. Net: Somebody long ago had this crazy idea that diversity of opinion was something universities might want to support. Smug bastards. Can anyone even name five or more groups that receive funds from Student Service Fees? Net: No looking in the Gopher Guide, freshpeople. But I bet we all know how much we’re paying for them.
TED, ARE YOU OUT THERE?
From Loosey: I love Network, there is no doubt about that, but recently you’ve mentioned a so-called faithful “Ted.” Seriously, if you had wanted to not single out anyone, you should have picked, say, John or Mike. Everyone is named John or Mike. But anyway, this is just ridiculous. Net: We couldn’t agree more. We were struck with pangs of guilt late last night, fearing that we might have been too harsh with your Ted and ours. Closed circuit to TCW: Please come back. We’ll be nice. I sit on the futon every day and read to my roommate the funny retorts you make. But to get to my point, and to respond to Butter Luv D and an article on football attendance by one extremely cute Net: And extremely tall John R. Carter, Net: What it is: [email protected]. That is all. I attended every football game this year and last (well, I missed the first one this year because I was moving into my cubby hole in the dorms). Yes, I am a girl, and I love football. Net: After making a comment like that, you could have lobsters crawling out of your ears and still find men who would date you. (No hot butter necessary.) I’m proud of my Gophers, and I’ll cheer them on. Have some Gopher Pride — come out to the last home game of the season!!
MONONOKE-DOKE
From Pixee: Hidee ho, Network. The commencement of animÇ into the American blockbuster market has been initiated through a film of some profound interest to our public: “Princess Mononoke.” Ah, the chaos and disruption this film has caused … sorry kiddies, no playful characters and rowdy musical numbers to light up your faces. How about severed limbs and giant demon-beasts? Net: As long as there aren’t any strobe lights to induce seizures in the little tykes, we don’t see a problem.
Even though the plot is riveting and the characters are appealing to an older audience, Net: Much like porn, if you’re drunk you can have much more fun playing with the children of dumba$$ parents who didn’t bother to check the PG-13 rating. A few ideas:
1) Scope out seats next to Girl Scout troops and day-care trips, and get an aisle seat for an easy getaway. Net: Just make sure you don’t get confused with the pedophiles.
2) Props, props, props. Make sure to bring your squeeze bottle of ketchup, a bag of gummi worms, and some fake vomit to create screaming, nauseated midgets. Net: Little PokÇmon dolls run through with knitting needles might be effective as well. How fun!
3) Become part of the film. Wear your custom contacts (preferably the ones completely glazed in red or black), turn to the child next to you and say, “The demons have me! Net: We must have Sno-Caps to break free of their evil grasp! Save yourself!” Then start writhing.
If you want to pull these stunts, you better be one hell of a runner to dodge the theater employees. Try at your own risk. Ze end-uh.
