From The Redheaded Bitch:
Oh, mighty insulting Network, Net: We do insult mightily, but we love just the same. I banged my head against concrete when I realized my three Horsemen blunder. Net: The important thing is that you’ve learned from your erroneous past. But Metallica? They want to put everyone in jail for sharing! Or, for not sharing our money with them! So please don’t suggest that I listen to them. Unless you want to pay my bail … Net: Let us explain: back before Metallica became atrocious sellouts and money-hungry predators, back when they cared more about music than looking like an MTV fad, they had an album called “Kill ‘Em All.” The album featured a song called “The Four Horsemen.” If you had grown up with Net, you would have known exactly how many horsemen there were without once going to church.
Next gripe: Have you been writing the Dr. Date column lately? Net: That would be something, people coming to us for love advice. No one on this campus would ever get laid again. It sounds more like your wisdom than his. Or maybe he’s just horny. Net: What are you implying!? It’s a sad day when Dr. Date can’t get any … Net: All that sex talk all the time, who can blame the Doc for not wanting to take his work home with him?

From:“TheArtistFormerlyKnownAsThe UltimateHockeyChick4Ever” (or Electrongirl for short, your pick) … Net: Uhhh … let’s go with Electrongirl. Not for the excessive length of the first name, but just because we fear masked women with sticks. Hello there Net, I hope you have been having a good (or at least livable) summer. Net: Things have been much more livable since we moved out of Dinkytown. Man, that place is a dump. Mine has been one big rollercoaster ride. Net: That’s the way life goes. Sometimes you win, sometimes you have nothing better to do than read Network. Anyhoo, enough chit-chat and on to what I want to write about. Did anyone else notice how bitchy Dr. Date was in his answer Wednesday? Net: Bitchy? People are getting a bit harsh with the Doc. He wears a heart-shaped reflective headband, for chrissakes. OK, OK, the reason I read it was because I was stuck on the crossword puzzle and was clearing my mind. Honestly!! Net: The love troubles of other human beings always helps in clearing our mind as well. I didn’t like reading it, but it was JUST THERE! Net: Tsk tsk. Anyway, what crawled up his butt and died? Net: Maybe it was that guy with the new Saturn. He called this chick a pain in the ass. It sounds like you, my dear Network, snuck into Dr. Date’s files and replied to the pathetic cries for help. Net: That’s two accusations of Net taking over Dr. Date. We assure you, Network readers, that we concentrate only on writing Net, which takes hours and hours because everything we write is in iambic pentameter. If it was you, you little rascal, then bravo, you actually made that feature somewhat interesting. OK, maybe interesting is too harsh a word. Readable maybe? Net: Yes, that’s much nicer.
Oh, and what ever happened to Rollerdiva and Nasty McShasta (or whatever the hell his name was)? Did you ban them or something? I miss reading about the lives of a whore and an asshole. It’s almost better than “Days of Our Lives”! Net: But not quite as good as the presidential campaigns. What a coincidence, that’s a perfect segue for …

NET IN 2000!

From El Producto: Dear Network. So … You didn’t publish my last letter. Net: Don’t feel bad, we don’t publish a lot of news, either. I suppose I could let it slide. It kind of sucked anyway. It surprises me though, because it at least offered some variety. I didn’t bitch about the University and I wasn’t intoxicated before or during the composition of the letter (after is ruled out). Net: We commend you for being able to remain sober for several minutes. I want to enlist your help, Network. Net: Uh-oh. We never should have walked into that enlistment store on Washington and Oak. The world needs some omniscient leadership, and I think you are the omnipotent one to do it. That is why I am starting the NETWORK FOR PRESIDENT campaign. I request your consent and the help of a savvy political science major to get you elected to the Oval Office. There are plenty of regulars out there; if all were to vote, we could maybe push 20 percent of the total vote. Net: This could really happen. We highly doubt more than 100 people will vote in the next election anyway. It’s like voting for either Stalin or Hitler. Just remember … NETWORK for SUCCESS in 2000! Net: Maybe Net can follow in the footsteps of our beloved governor and get some college students to vote.


From The PornKing: Oh omnipotent, sagacious and generally nice-smelling Network. Net: Our new perfume is made from apples! I’ve been reading about this Napster thing and wanted to know something. If you could trade MP3s, why couldn’t you trade, say, movies? More importantly, why couldn’t you trade *porn* movies? Net: You could. Or you could leave your home once in a while. I think I could make a real killing if I came up with a program that could allow people to trade porn back and forth over the Internet. ‘Cause lets face it, the free porn on the Internet pretty much sucks and it’s expensive as hell to go to those pay sites. Net: Yeah, it’s like, “Should I look at porn, or should I pay my tuition this semester?” No college student should ever have to weigh those options! Anyhoo … Net, is Rollerdiva still looking for love? Net: “Love,” no. I know its been awhile, and this ain’t exactly a great ad for gettin’ lovin’, but you gotta ask, right? Net: You never know. Maybe a mutual interest in graphic pornography will bring you everlasting love? This sounds like a case for Dr. Date!