Net: Welcome to our…

Net: Welcome to our new, “fresh” debate — MSA. We’re about as invigorated as NITWIT is after being hit by a sunbeam while lying on the Mall. And speaking of the Mall, let’s hear it for Haagen-Dazs, the coolest givers of free ice cream ever! Ah, yes — ice cream on a summery day.
Sit back, relax, and take in today’s tirades. It’s your USDA-approved, minimum Daily requirement of thought. Enjoy!

UNSOLVED MYSTERY: MSA
From Gwenlyant: To respond to Hint Hint‘s question about what MSA has done, the answer is, “Very little.” Net: We have to parry back — looking at who is actually in MSA, would you really WANT them to do very much? They are basically a group that gives out money from a fund called “Special Events” to support things such as Homecoming, Spring Jam and the Dance Marathon. Net: Which makes them redundant with pan-Hell, except the fraternities and sororities offer “lifelong friendships.”
If the members are feeling particularly self-important, they might take a stand on a global issue and therefore deny the average student the chance to eat grapes at the cafeteria because of migrant worker abuses. Or, they can protest the University investing in this or that group while the administration is under no pressure to even take notice of such a request. Net: But, of course, under the charismatic and courageous leadership of Maximum Leader Mark Yudof, all student concerns are taken seriously, and all input from MSA listened to as the one true voice of the University’s most important constituency (We KNEW we should have run for MSA …).
Occasionally they do manage to achieve something, such as extending the hours of computer labs — going into effect next fall, I believe — and getting most of the candidates for governor to show up and debate at the U. Net: Which, seriously, is an impressive accomplishment, since college students aren’t exactly going to host a politically desirable $500-a-plate dinner. Maybe 50 cents, if the ramen is brand-name.
But mostly what MSA does is advertise what the Senate does. Many of you readers may have no idea that such an exalted body exists. Net: We hope not. If they do, they’re probably reading other sections, and we’re sooooooo jealous. It is made up of a ratio of 3 faculty to every 1 student. Net: Which, if that were the actual faculty-student ratio at the U, would make us a pretty darn elite school. The Senate decides policy for all University of Minnesota campuses.
They are the wonderful people who brought you semester conversions, plus/minus grading and the option for professors to release their evaluations. Net: They must be stopped. This month they have changed the whole system of class scheduling so those of you with St. Paul classes now have the option of starting at 7:25 in the morning.
But don’t worry, now you have 50 minutes to wander back to the East Bank.
So Hint! Hint!, go ahead and vote. MSA doesn’t matter. Out of 66 members, only 40 were there when forum started and less then 20 when it ended. But take hope — the Senate still achieves things, and the student senators even show up occasionally. But if you are lucky, maybe you will see an MSA survey floating around or have the chance to experience one of the wonderful events MSA sponsors. Net: And they are premium events. Nothing like the parties Dr. Date throws, but hey — what can you expect? You haven’t made it until you’ve made it to Back Talk, baby. Take a chance on US!

BW-3 Redux
From Fat Boy: Alas, my freshman days are but a hazy memory. Net: But judging from your name, Fat Boy, the legacy remains. I too, was lured to 14th Avenue in Dinkytown night after night for karaoke, beer and second-hand smoke. BW-3 was my own Cheers, right here in Minneapolis. They all knew my name, or at least the one on my fake.
Now, I am older and wiser, and I would like to educate all freshmen on the real issues that should surround any BW-3 boycott.
Have you ever noticed that women have no problem getting in, while all you chumps do a 180 when you reach the bouncer? That’s by design, kids. They don’t want you there, but they want freshman women there. That’s fresh meat for the upperclassmen, who have more money, drink a helluva lot more manly and actually know how to get laid.
Also, for all you self-respecting upperclassmen, why would you ever want to set foot in that hellhole? Most of the women there are chunky and wear clothing that is way too tight. They smoke a pack in one night at the bar, and they have crooked teeth. Net: At some point, we suspect that some of you out there will be sufficiently upset to write us a retort. We promise to print your replies, as we do not wish to see entire populations attacked without a proper forum for response. But before you crank up that modem, wait — it gets worse. As a Wisconsinite, I can honestly say I’ve seen better catches in a trailer park. Net: Ouch.
The handful of good-looking women only want to get laid by some steroid-raged football player Net: Remember. We can be contacted at [email protected] … who’s been looking to pick a fight all night.
Maybe I’m biting the hand that fed me for so long, but I can’t help it. As for you freshmen that were crying about being booted, bite the pillow and take it like the men you are. Real men find a way to drink, no matter how tough the circumstances.
I make a plea to all U of M students, BOYCOTT BW-3. Net: We have to admit — we’re usually down with boycotts, but we’re starting to lose sympathy for our revolutionaries. Perhaps we should live and let live? We’ll be printing our last letters on BW-3 tomorrow, so if you have any final thoughts, let us know. Until then — watch out for flying hot wings in Dinkytown. And have a nice day.