Bush debates cells from stems

by Madeleine Island

Stem cells have recently become the topic of national debate, and nobody is sure why. So the Gazette tracked down and interviewed the source of the debate – only six months after reporters from The New York Times did.

The following is a heavily edited interview with President George W. Bush. The Gazette can’t print the conversation in its entirety because parts of it do not make any sense at all, and that makes the Gazette feel sad.

Gazette: What are stem cells?

Bush: They’re the cells of stems. They can become anything.

Gazette: Anything?

Bush: Well, almost anything. The have a lot of potential.

Gazette: My adviser says I have a lot of potential, but I still don’t have a job, and the nation sure isn’t talking about me. Can you expand on the idea of potential?

Bush: Actually, we’re talking about stem cells because science is an important new technology. It’s one I think about a lot.

Gazette: What else do you think about a lot?

Bush: Ari Fleischer, my press secretary, will answer that question.

Fleischer: The president ponders many national and international concerns on a daily basis. Please ask questions that are both relevant and easy for the president to answer.

Gazette: President Bush, what’s your favorite color?

Bush: It’s blue. Blue, right Ari?

Fleischer: That’s correct, but the president forgot to mention red and white. The president has three favorite colors.

The president also neglected to mention he is like a philosopher-king, pondering stem cells and the future of technology. Will he let public money go toward the research of stem cells, or will he decide stem cells are morally wrong and should only be funded with private money raised by mad scientists? The president has a lot on his mind these days.

Gazette: Thanks for clearing things up.

The Gazette editors have notified me this story needs a University angle. I talked to a guy on Northrop Mall. He had blond hair and eyes like the sky. He said he was a sophomore.

Gazette: What do you think of President Bush?

Guy with sky-like eyes: He sucks.

Gazette: Can you expand on that?

Sky eyes: He’s stupid.

Gazette: Okay, what do you think about the national stem cell debate?

Sky eyes: I don’t see how anybody can debate about the cells from stems.

Gazette: I agree.

Madeleine Island is not funny or good at writing, but she is capable of filling up space. Please send comments to
[email protected], or by mail to The Minnesota Daily, 2301 University Ave. S.E., or give her a call at (612) 555-9191 ext. 5678. Any comments are welcome