Net: We’re doing our mail bag spring cleaning, and here more short notes about life at the U. Today we run responses from recent letters — the good, the bad and the squirrely. Good day, boyz n’ grrls!
ON THE ROAD AGAIN
From Doodle Dandy: When I heard Dr. Nick speaking of that extremely huge nation to the north I had to take a trip back in time. Net: Miss the French and Indian war, do you? We understand. I was 10 years old, and my family was in the middle of a wonderful tour de force in the Great White North. Net: When suddenly, these beer-swilling brothers appeared. We were traveling through Quebec at the time, if that explains anything, Net: But if it wasn’t, then you weren’t. Solipsism is an amazing thing and a husky gentleman pulled alongside our car.
I noticed he had the bumper sticker of every team in the NHL’s Western Conference on his car and a small French flag flying high on his antenna. He rolled down the window and, in a heavily accented voiced yelled, “Yankee go home!”
Now my mother is an elementary music teacher and rarely shows any aggressiveness Net: Wow. That’s rare. Our elementary music teachers used to make us stick our noses on the chalkboard for hours when we sang, “Glory, glory hallelujah! Teacher, hit me with a ruler” so I was quite surprised when she stuck her head out the window and yelled, “We will as soon as we get our @$%&^$^% money!” Ahh, viva la difference. Net: And viva la road rage. You inspire us — and others. Read on:
From Cruisin’: Well Madd-Redd-Dogg, looks like someone got up on the wrong side of the freeway! However, your gripe is valid. You shouldn’t have to risk life and limb just getting to class. Net: Why not? Elementary kids in Belfast get to see machine gunners on playgrounds. And if that’s the luck of the Irish … Therefore, as a representative for the driving public I am willing to make a deal with you and other vehicularly challenged people. We will discontinue hitting you at the 35W off-ramp if you cease walking against the red at the intersection of Washington and Harvard. Net: Come on. No one has walked against the red since the Bay of Pigs. Nothing makes me want to kill walkers more than being stuck at an intersection for two or more light cycles because masses of University pedestrians can’t comprehend DON’T WALK. Net: It’s just in our blood. We’re the walkin’ kind. And we’re searchin’ for you.
BARNE-BURNERS
From Guppy Girls: In reference to your Barnes & Noble comment yesterday: You are SO right!! Net: Of course. We’re Network. B & N are Satan’s minions, come to earth on a mission of destruction and domination. Net: But they’ll never take our president! Their lush stores are built upon the corpses of millions of independent bookstores.
Here’s a thought: If you want to stick it to The Man (i.e., the U) by boycotting his bookstore, why not get your books from any one of your local, friendly independent bookstores? (Rather than the Great Satan) Net: We didn’t know Billy Crystal sold books. But anyway, we find that the Hungry Mind in St. Paul is a great, cheap, efficient place to get books fast. Of course, they’re the Macalester establishment, so you’d be supporting private college snobbery — but that’s OK; Macalester snobs are all a bunch of art majors who won’t get jobs anyway.
Any bookstore that has a computer can order you ANY book. It doesn’t have to be something they’d usually carry. So if you want “General Physics,” it can be ordered from Red Balloon (children’s), or Enrica Fish (medical), or even A Brother’s Touch (GLBT). Net: How bout Sexworld? They have a fine selection of books — and some of them don’t even have yellow pages! Just remember to ask for it about two weeks in advance, because they will have to ORDER it.
Power to the Independents!! Down with Corporate Monotheism!!
FROM OUR SUGGESTION BOX
From Mr. Hyde: Greetings almighty and powerful ones of the Network (and NITWIT)! Net: Hi.
As I was reading Yngwie‘s article in Network today, something occurred to me. Since this is the great and powerful Network Net: As opposed to our puny, corporatized competition in the less reputable Twin Cities dailies, on the somewhat mighty and powerful back page (Hi Dr. Date) of the weak and powerless campus newspaper that we lovingly call the Daily, why do we not attempt a political coup? Net: You’ve never dealt with the Daily’s Board of Directors, that’s why.
In light of that, I hereby pronounce myself General Hyde of the militant squirrel army of the University. Net: Feel the earth tremble beneath our feet. We are many and well-armed. We shall take over the University government and a new age shall dawn on the University. Net: When the moon is in the seventh house …
Once in power, I shall remove Aramark from the halls of Food Services. Net: But not from toilets in dorm restrooms everywhere. I shall hold a fraternity judgment day to determine those fit for survival in the new world order. Net: Watch out for the false converts. The Inquisition is nigh! I shall plow down the department of kinesiology and replace it with low-cost parking. Net: Then you might as well plow Williams Arena too, because everyone who plays there will be out of a major. All libraries shall search for returned books. Net: Hasta la victoria siempre! Discourteous motorists shall be shot on sight. Computer use shall be free for all, and Mark Yudof shall be forced to apologize to each and every University student. Net: For what? Eating every pancake in the seven-county metro area? Yes, it will be glorious. All hail Hyde!!! Net: And all hide from hail. Ouch.
Take care y’all. Keep writing, and we’ll keep printing until the fees committee shuts us down. And who pays attention to those folks anyway?
