Regents millenium bash announced, Wu-Tang to play

University students won’t be the only ones on campus planning to party til’ they piss on themselves this New Year’s.
University regents announced plans Thursday for a once-in-a-lifetime millennium faculty party.
Previous end-of-the-year office parties have been colorful, but officials say they’re especially excited about this year’s bash.
“Last year’s party was all that,” said University President Mark Yudof. “But we’ve known all along that this will be the tightest party of the century.”
Officials said this year’s party will feature such artists as Kid Rock and the Wu-Tang Clan. If previous gatherings are any indication, one could also expect some outlandish antics from the generally reserved officials.
At last year’s holiday party, the joke was on Yudof when Regent David Metzen and University Vice President Bob Bruininks tricked him into bonging six beers at once.
“Last year, Dave and I got Yudie really f**ked up,” Bruininks said. “He took the hose and knelt down, and Dave stood over him with a pitcher and just kept pouring beer into the bong.”
Regent William Peterson said Yudof passed out shortly afterwards, much to the chagrin of most faculty members.
“One second we were all standing around him screaming, and the next minute, he’s passed out on the sofa,” Peterson said. “Some boss.”
Upon his passing out, officials say Bruininks drew a large phallus on Yudof’s right cheek, a drawing described as “f**king hilarious” by most party attendees, and the subject of a five-minute fit of unabated, hysterical laughter that night.
The picture was complimented by a pin affixed to Yudof’s shirt, reading, “Ask me about our cajun chicken special,” which regents Julie Bleyhl and Bryan Neel, III stole from the Dinkytown McDonald’s earlier that evening.
Yudof is not the only one reported to have quaffed too many spirits at last year’s party.
The regents are still talking about chairwoman Patricia Spence’s surprise appearance onstage with last year’s feature artist, Digital Underground, in which she took stage and began dancing with the band’s “fly girls” during the performance of “The Humpty Dance.”
Spence’s efforts prompted University officials to describe her as “one funky mama,” and many are looking forward to seeing her “break it down” with Kid Rock this year.
Freshman Glee Club President Buck Samuelson is not expected to attend this year’s party.

Harry P. Kootage covers your girlfriend and doesn’t welcome comments.