PUT UP YER DUKES
Net: Today we remember the birthday of Jefferson Davis. Who was Jefferson Davis, you ask? Well, while Jefferson Davis is now primarily remembered as the inspiration for the moniker Jefferson Davis Hogg in the legendary CBS television show “The Dukes of Hazzard,” a lesser-known fact is that he was the only president of the Confederate States of America, which was an organization of southern states that fought in some war in the 1800s. It might have been the 1700s. We’re not sure.
Along with sporting a bitchin’ goatee, Jefferson Davis was a noted white supremacist. He led a short-lived nation founded on the principle that all men were definitely NOT created equal, a philosophy upheld by such luminaries as Hitler, George Wallace and, most recently, David Duke, who was never on “The Dukes of Hazzard,” but if he had been, he would undoubtedly have been referred to as “cousin David.”
Up until recently, Jefferson Davis’ birthday was an official holiday in several states of the deep South. So on this day remember this good ol’ boy, never meanin’ no harm, who helped kill hundreds of thousands of Americans and almost tore the United States apart WAY before the invention of MTV. This was your Network historical moment.
CINEMA VERITE
Net: Our erudite film critics continue to write in. Here is today’s sample:
From Optimus Prime to Malik Shabazz: OK, so “Godzilla” wasn’t the most original movie. Net: It didn’t have to be original. A reasonable facsimile of the original series would have been sufficient. But hey, the special effects were great (which is about the only redeeming quality of a lot of movies these days). Net: Yeah — did you see those car chase scenes in “The English Patient?” Really though, were you expecting some deep dramatic plot in this movie?? It’s “Godzilla,” for pete’s sake! Net: No, that would be “Pete’s Dragon.” Get your reptiles straight. By the way, does anyone know what Helen Reddy is doing nowadays? It’s about a big lizard stomping through a city. Net: We thought that was Norm Coleman’s campaign film. Did you expect Oscar-winning performances? The main character is a computer-animated lizard!! Net: Oh. It must be AL GORE’S campaign film! Like there’s any more content in a Schwarzenegger, Stallone or Jackie Chan movie. Sigh …
From Campy: Okay, Network, generally I believe you mean well. But saying “Sorority Babes at the Slimeball Bowl-A-Rama” is a disgrace! C’mon! Sorority girls spanking initiates with a canoe paddle — What college kid wouldn’t love that! Net: We will agree. The spanking scene was great. However, the biker chick falling for the nerd at the end was unbelievable, and the homoerotic tension between the voyeuristic males was, in our opinion, grossly underplayed. Or maybe just gross. Anyway, what about “Spacegirls From Beyond Infinity?” Whaddaya think of THAT classic, hmmm?
B-movie kitsch is the wave of the future. With everyone sick of “Titanic,” and all the new box office wonders flopping (even Terry Gilliam couldn’t get a good movie out there for us), Net: Which is disappointing, since “Time Bandits” is the greatest movie of all time there will soon be nothing at your local theater but spin-offs of the illustrious “Sorority Babes at the Slimeball Bowl-A-Rama.” Next time, I hope it’s frat boys bludgeoned with canoe paddles. Net: You’d have to wait in line. But we digress. We must stop this merriment for more weighty issues. It’s time for …
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENTS!!!
From Ry4an: With this being the last week of the quarter I rushed to the mall to watch the antics of Brother Jed, the bigot we all love to hate, but he was nowhere to be found. Alarmed, I ran to the Christian Fellowship booth. I’m happy to announce that while he will not be here for the whole week, we will have Brother Jed from today to Friday.
I would like to remind all those who stand to mock Brother Jed of one thing: YOU ARE NOT FUNNIER THAN BROTHER JED. Net: Amen. He’s serious, and that’s what makes him funny. You may be more outrageous, but you’re kidding, so it’s just not as funny. If you want to mock him, feel free, but try to limit it to short 10-minute rants. We’re all there to see Jed, and if you drown him out you’re ruining our fun. Net: Excellent point, Ry4an. Be sure to catch the brother this week — before it’s too late and hell’s fires begin lapping at your toes. If you do not see him, there could be wailing, gnashing of teeth, etc. Giddyup, partners!
From TY: On Sunday night, as I was returning to the Superblock, I found a stray cat.
After taking the cat to the vet, they said that it was most likely a housecat, which means that someone out there must be sorely missing their feline. Net: Unless, of course, the cat was maliciously dumped. In that case, get an adoption set up soon. So, here’s the description:
The cat is a female, gray tabby with black stripes. She has green eyes. She is approximately four years old. She is believed to be a house cat because she has had her teeth cleaned by a professional. Also, she is very acclimated to house living — She ran up to my house, rode in the car without any problem, etc. She is affectionate, too. The owner needs to step forward ASAP, because I am leaving Minneapolis on June 13, and if there is no owner found, I intend on keeping the cat.
One last thing — the owner of the cat is expected to reimburse me for the vet fees and pet supplies (like food and litter). Don’t stress, it’s not an outrageous sum of money.
If this is your cat, please contact the Network, who can work as the middle person here, if the ever-so-wonderful Network would agree to. Net: Flattery gets you a long way with us.
Thank you Network for printing my PSA, and I hope the owner will be found.
