Now that the University has agreed to shell out $5,000 per weekend on late-night activities next year, it is time to think about other useful places for the seemingly endless supply of money the University has. One such hypothetical recipient of funds goes right along with the premise of late-night programming: early-morning programming. I’m talking about a comprehensive activities lineup that would run daily between 4 a.m. and 7 a.m.
The brilliance of this proposition lies in the fact that, while late-night programs cater to night owls, an equal proportion of students here are early birds. Though I myself have never awoken before 7 a.m. (or 10 a.m. for that matter), I know the earliest risers on campus would love to have something to do right after they wake up. Possible activities could include games like backgammon or Pogs. Another big draw would be crafts, specifically those requiring pipe-cleaners and glitter.
The best thing to come out of the $5,000 per weekend for late-night activities is, in my opinion, the big chair. Featured tomorrow night at the “prototype” late-night program, the big chair is sure to draw thousands of students. For those of you not familiar with this illustrious attraction, I offer you Coffman Union’s overly excited Web site description:
“Get a free photo of you and your friends sitting in a big chair!”
This is the type of stuff dreams are made of – why stop there when similar activities can be offered in students’ morning free time? Lord knows this one gargantuan chair will completely revitalize student life on campus. Just think of all the possibilities for enrichment at 6 a.m.! Why go for breakfast when you can play carnival-style games at Coffman?
Admittedly, some people might find our school’s attempt at reaching out to students a little degrading. After all, the late-night activities seem to mirror some of the things I did for fun in preschool and kindergarten. My challenge to those allegations is that you should just wait and see the hoards of dorm-dwellers who will genuinely appreciate the late-night services. It will be startling, to say the least. Come Saturday night; Coffman will be filled with nerds – er, I mean, students.
The University will be spending at least $200,000 on the aforementioned late-night fun next year. That’s a well-spent sum of money, if you ask me. Now students won’t have to be creative while thinking of something to do on weekend nights. Never again will they slave through the toils of being socially inept and uncool. I am confident an early-morning regimen of going to Coffman to participate in some juvenile recreation will be just as effective as a late-night one. Effective, that is, in making this tiny Midwest college the very best it can be.
Mat Koehler welcomes comments at [email protected]