From 4.6: Net, jealousy. A very deadly word. Net: Hmm … we associate “Martial Law” and Arsenio Hall with the word “deadly.” But go on. You know about jealousy, right? Net: Right. Everyone wants to be as slick and cool as Net. I also know of jealousy, and one person has extreme jealousy, Net: Dennis Green of the Green Bay Packers West? Kung Fu Joe. To me, it sounds like Kung Fu Joe is in a frat — or worse, Carlson. As I said before, it is not my fault that you don’t like security guards. To tell you the truth, I’m glad you don’t like us. Net: Now let’s tell a lie. Uhh … Puffy Combs is not guilty. We don’t like you. I hope Net would tend to agree. Net: Nope, we’re too busy hoping for a “Charles in Charge” reunion. That Scott Baio is dreamy. You go ahead and judge us, Net: Judge, judge, judge, judge. and we will keep making the money that comes out of your pocket for tuition. When I read Kung Fu Joe‘s entry, I sensed hostility. It is not my fault that you were caught smoking pot while playing “house” with five men in G-strings. Net: There ain’t nothing wrong with that. We had an experience like that once. Remember, Rollerdiva? Maybe some common sense would be of use. Even the freshpeople have more knowledge than you. This is pathetic. Then maybe you would realize that college students aren’t qualified to carry guns. If we did carry guns, you would probably be dead by now. Net: Image of the day: Security guards roaming campus with guns. Yeah, TRY and go to sleep tonight. Therefore, you should be thankful. So with this, I end the senseless debate about security monitors. Don’t do anything stupid, like writing to Net to cut on people you don’t know, and we won’t bust your ass. Net: Yeah, bust us for what, man? Keepin’ it real? Givin’ props to our peeps? Let Puffy out! Let Puffy out! Jealousy is a very powerful thing. I end this entry Net: For the second time with a hope of irony. One day Kung Fu Joe will encounter a guard and will be shot once in each eye and twice in each hand. Thankfully, he then wouldn’t have the privilege of writing to a sacred thing that we all know as Network. Keep your mouth shut. Be warned and be appreciative: “The force is with us.”
Net: And Jennifer Lopez’s derriere is bigger than all of us. So what? Time to move on.


From Rosetefarrian: Hey Net: is for horses. Network. Usually I satisfy myself bashing “freeloader-athletes” in editorials, but the time has come for me to speak out. Net: Time to go after helpless women and children? What about those freeloaders on “academic” scholarships? Let Puffy out! Let Puffy out! About what, you ask? Losers who live in dorms, specifically the whiny boy in Friday’s Dr.Date. I’m sick of these dumbasses complaining about all this crap and pretending their Net: Grammar to Network. Paging Dr. Grammarica to Networkia. somebody. Here’s a message for you losers: No one with more than four brain cells is going to pay $2,000-plus a semester to live in a rotting, stinking cubicle. Net: We pay $2,750. I live in a huge two-bedroom apartment with one girl and pay around $1,100 a semester, utilities included. Net: La di frickin’ da. I just want to know why you freaks do it. Net: To avoid living with people in two-bedroom apartments. Why do you pay twice as much as I do for one-tenth the space? I must surmise that everyone in the dorms is in General College. Get a life, losers!
Net: Where’s the love?


From Shasta McNasty: Hey, all. Net: Hey. Free Puffy! I just had a few things to mention today. The first thing that I wanted to do is to give props to Dan, who is on the new Real World/Road Rules challenge (and he also attends the University), because he was wearing a University of Minnesota visor on the last episode. Net: That’s what life’s all about, givin’ props to your peeps. Why he would want to advertise such crap I’ll never know, but he still gets props from me, because he went to my high school, and that makes him and anything he wears or says cool. Net: By the same logic, anyone who went to our high school is now pregnant and a chain-smo … never mind. The second thing (or statement) I wanted to point out is that if you arrive late to a large lecture and are trying not to disrupt the class by moving slowly when opening the door and taking off your jacket, I have one thing to say to you. DON’T TAKE YOUR TIME, JUST HURRY YOUR FAT ASS UP, SIT YOUR FAT ASS DOWN, AND SHUT THE F–K UP, @$$##0!e !!! Net: FREE PUFFY! FREE PUFFY! It makes just as much noise to take off your jacket if you go slow as it does going fast (I don’t really know that, but I pretend to know). Net: So here’s whatcha wanna do. Burst through the doors of the next lecture you’re late to, dive into a seat, then take all your clothes off. Or saunter in with a bottle of SoCo. Lastly, I would just like to tell the two female homos (one of you was wearing a cowboy hat) who were grabbing each others asses on the bus the other day that they are not hot and, at my last count, they were turning on about zero people, Net: ‘Cuz that’s why they were doing it. To turn you on. Right. so if they would please cut it out and save playtime for later, that would be great. Thanks a lot, and have a nice day.

Net: Well, on that culturally repressive note, we’re off to plot Puffy’s escape. That, and a takeover of that cherubic fruit on the front page. What is “Elmo,” anyway? How did he get his name? All this and more on the next episode of “Martial Law.”