Litigate in ’98: Students take the U to court

In the squished environs of the general counsel’s office in Morrill Hall, two of the University’s attorneys lean against a cubicle, coffee in hand.
“What’s the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a Porsche,” the first attorney asks.
“I don’t know, what,” the second attorney responds.
“With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside,” the first yelps proudly.
“HAW, HAW, HAW, HA HA HA,” they explode in unison.
Exhausted from laughter and with tears in his eyes, the second attorney slaps a cubicle, “It’s so true … so true.”
But then, a continuous line of starchy uniformed couriers and delivery men clutching files came charging down the hall.
Files of the disgruntled, the underpaid, the ugly, the fired, the people who want ice cream flodded the office. Three hundred new lawsuits in all, and the two attorneys stood horrified, signing for the deliveries.
“Sweet Jesus, man. Is there no God? Oh, the humanity,” one lawyer exclaimed.
Students of the University, tired and despondent because the sit-ins, protests, yelling, and letter-writing campaigns haven’t worked, are now trying to settle their problems the real way: attacking the University in court, choking the already suffocated general counsel’s office.
Physics professor Martin Trucker has no comment for this story because “it” was “a subject” out of his realm of “expertise.” The Minnesota Daily plans to sue Trucker next week for his lack of knowledge.
Students aren’t taking this crap anymore, generally, said Jill Gromson, a senior in cultural studies and comparative literature.
“A lawsuit was the only option available,” Gromson said. She and a group of fellow CSCL majors filed suit to force the University to provide totally black clothes to students in the major.
“An all-black wardrobe is the only way you can experience the stunning thought patterns of our great thinkers like Michel Foucault and Karl Marx. In fact, many of Foucault’s tombs explain that darkness and personal mutilation are the only paths to conversion to socialism.”
She then put in a Cure CD and wept openly.
Mark Rotenberg said that if he was named for this article he would unleash the University’s hired goons on the Daily.
“I swear, I will put a hex on you, and may your armpit hairs be pulled out one by one by a naked Roseanne,” he said, but not according to this publication.
The Daily plans to sue next week for Rotenberg’s lack of love.
Matthew “Biz Mar” Key filed suit to dispose of “a few worthless words” that the University “insists on using ad nauseam.”
He has tried diplomatically through constant yelling at the English Department to rid the University of the words “and,” “puts,” “for,” and “meeting.”
“These words are the bane of my existence, they simplify the English language far too much. By the way, this is off the record. Are you typing? Hey man, don’t do that. Listen, you’d better not write any of this down…I’m going to beat the bejeezus out of you,” Key said before hanging up.
Key will sue the Daily next week.
Meanwhile, Rotenberg plans to call an emergency meeting of the Board of Regents, but he can’t find his phone under the waves of new lawsuits still coming in.
“I should have become a zoo keeper like my next-door neighbor,” Rotenberg cried.