Animal research cruel;

Charlton Heston

I must commend you wack-o liberal college students. I’ve always thought you college men were a tad light in your left-wing loafers and you college women ought to pay more attention to earning your “Mrs.” degrees than burning your bras.
Yet two weeks ago, you brainy little bastards made me proud — you protested animal testing.
Why in the hell are we wasting perfectly good animals for medical research, when they should be left in the wild — for us to kill — with guns? You can inject penguins with heroin or squirt shampoo in chimps’ eyes all you want, but whatever you researchers find can’t possibly be as valuable as the head of 16-point elk mounted over a hunting cabin fireplace.
I don’t want to imply that animals have rights — they don’t. But leaving them in cages takes the sport out of hunting and killing them.
Animals need to run free or else there is no challenge. Any jackass can shoot a duck in a pond. But it takes a skilled marksman to rip a couple of Remmingtons into the hind quarters of a gazelle at 200 meters.
Animals were put on this planet for one reason — for us humans to kill — with guns. And guns were put on this planet to protect our families and defend our countries.
But I want to repeat, guns are great for killing animals. We eat animals, make shoes out of them and use their heads and paws to decorate our dens and rumpus rooms.
Researchers should spend less time using animals to find cures for cancer and more time studying the things we, MANkind, actually need, like better guns.
We need bigger guns, stronger guns, more powerful guns. As president of the National Rifle Association I ask our American universities to stop researching medicine and start working to make high tech weaponry available to every man, woman and child in this great nation.
Guns made America free. If we would have had guns in “Planet of the Apes” those goddamn space gorillas would have been wiped out in the movie’s first 15 minutes. But no, we had to resort to using sissy little sticks and nets. Nets for christsakes. To defend our beloved soil.
Although the University students didn’t support Jesse “The Body” Ventura’s campaign, I sure as hell did. The man was a goddamn SEAL, he used guns every day goddammit. Now that your good governor is packing heat, I like him all the more. I can’t wait to see him take on all those Minnesota bleeding-heart liberals.
The only way a liberal should have a bleeding heart is if that poor bastard gets in the way while I’m blasting the hell out of my shootin’ car.
You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to figure out that a bunch of monkey’s sittin’ around smoking heaters are gonna get cancer. Your research isn’t going to get me to give up my Luckies. So you can kiss my old, wrinkly, American ass if you expect me to give up my Second Amendment right to kill animals with guns.