From Baron of FC: Alas, but the Oct. 12 Daily contained something that was far funnier than Network has ever been. The Daily’s editorial staff decided to replace the usual editorial with a humor column titled, “Impeachment issue can be solved easily.” Net: We tend not to read anything but our own navels around here, so you’ll have to refresh us. Did it deal with flogging or public castration? If it didn’t, we’re skeptical. Allow me to summarize by quoting the editorial staff.
“Did President Clinton do something immoral? Yes. Did he break the law? Probably. … Is this an embarrassment for the president? If anything, it is fairly impressive. … The only embarrassment here is that President Clinton committed his infidelity with Monica Lewinsky. … President Clinton certainly could have done a little better. … President Clinton broke the law … yet none of these are impeachable offenses. … In the meantime, let him keep doing a good, if not great, job as the leader of the free world.” Net: Sounds like the best of the college press to us.
(After profuse laughter, I continue): I could say the same thing in one sentence: “Just because it’s immoral and illegal doesn’t make it a bad thing.” Excuse me, but I think perjury is a felony (listed between slavery and piracy in the U.S. Code). If felonies no longer qualify as “high crimes,” then all of it is irrelevant. I really don’t care what he lied about, but I do know he lied. I’ve heard his lies, and I don’t buy them. If the Daily is going to put out such blatant propaganda, then why should anyone bother reading it for NEWS (as in NEWSpaper)? Net: Well, it is called an “editorial section,” which is supposed to contain OPINIONS. See, it’s different. And whether or not you AGREE with those opinions, no matter how LUDICROUS or poorly thought out they may be, they must be taken as that — OPINIONS.
So don’t beat the news folks over the head for something you find laughable on the editorial page. Trust us. We type this column from a chair set directly between them, and they stay SEPARATE. Then again, who would want to cross US?

From PornChica: Oh great Net, I thought I’d share my two bits with you and maybe introduce some new topics for ya’s all. First off, I’d like to agree with Matt: No one cares about the squirrels anymore. Net: See next letter.
Second of all, there’s been an issue around here about some dead birds. My neighbor found more than 15 dead birds in the dorm courtyard and took them in to get tested. Net: MONKEYS!!! Usually I’d be somewhat concerned, but not this time, I KNOW why there are so many dead birds around. The damn birds have been slamming into my windows, knocking themselves silly and leaving blood and feathers on my windows. Net: Do you hear a lot of Nine Inch Nails around the time they’re doing this? That rock ‘n’ roll — it causes suicide, ya know.
Not only is this disgusting, but it usually scares the shit out of me. So, here’s what I have to say: If the birds aren’t smart enough to know the difference between a building and a tree, they DESERVE to die! (Evolution, no?) Net: MONKEYS!!!
And not only that, I’m GLAD they are dying: Maybe now I can live in peace once again. Net: My, how “Mein Kampf” of you.
And finally, I’d like to address the issue of “couples” in class. Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve noticed quite a few couples in class. Really, it’s no problem until they start groping and “whispering” sweet nothings in each other’s ears. I got so fed up today I was ready to hand the loving couple a condom and tell them to get a room! Not only is it sickening to watch her take notes for him (Insert witty remark here, I know you want to), but it’s also distracting, and it’s not even FUN stuff to watch like PORN!
So to all you “couples” in classes out there, PLEASE, hold off for 50 minutes — I don’t think it will kill you. Thank you.


From The Original Slappy Squirrel to Matt: How dare you call me a freshman! How dare you say I am desperate for attention! How dare you make fun of the squirrel gods! Everyone knows the true Squirrel God is know as Lazamthanar. Yeah, Lazamthanar. Net: Sounds like a cough medicine. If you want to know about our religion, then listen up. Every year, every squirrel who has faith must make a pilgrimage and pay homage to Lazamthanar. We must bring sunflower seeds, peanut oil and twine. When I recently visited the Largest Ball of Twine Net: In Dawson, Minn., and immortalized by “Weird Al” Yankovic. We’re so proud, I stole some of that twine. Lazamthanar likes it when we steal from you humans.
For each piece of twine I brought he gave me an extra special power. The most recent power he gave me was the power to make split pea soup with only water and WOW potato chips, because he thinks it might as well look as good on the way in as it does on the way out. Net: Wow. That’s too weird. Why can’t you be normal, and worship the spirit of some guy who died 2,000 years ago and eat wafers and pretend it’s cannibalism? That’s MUCH more sensible. Another power I have is to annoy the crap out of people: I hope you are now being annoyed. Net: We’re all about fulfilling hopes. Personally I think they will always publish the squirrel letters because we have important things to say. Net: And who are “they,” anyway? They sound threatening. Now you may be an insignificant section of the community, but at least I can still annoy you.
Thanks for submitting your grievance, and I think I will write weekly just to bother you, when I know other people are getting laughs out of it, especially me and Lazamthanar.