Dear Dr. Date,Mayb…

Dear Dr. Date,
Maybe you can settle a disagreement between my boyfriend and me. We are both professional students. Let’s just say, hypothetically, we get a kick out of having sex in our classrooms after hours and on weekends so we can laugh about it while class is in session. We have both reviewed our school’s honor code and find no reference to this action. Is there any kind of University policy that would cover this? He says there are only legal issues such as public nudity and things like that, while I say there must be some sort of academic disciplinary action possible. Who is right?
— Hypothetically having sex in classrooms

That’s a great question, but before I answer it, I have a question for you.
Why would a couple with such a theoretically flamboyant sex life need to bicker about something as trivial as code violations? That sort of pedestrian argument should only occur in the most banal of relationships. Quit it. I’m just warning you because I’ve seen many couples mistakenly think squabbles of this sort are entertaining to family, friends and onlookers.
When considering whether your sexual adventure will land you in an unfortunate legal predicament or not, make sure to account for all of your actions, not just the act of sex. If you theoretically have sex inside of a construction site at night, you would be breaking a law because you were trespassing, not because you had sex. Sex, on its own, is a natural act in which most people partake. Of course, there are still archaic state laws in effect that prohibit sex between unmarried individuals, but these laws aren’t enforced.
I’ve noted (from experience) that the University tends to treat law violations the same way any large business would deal with law violations — they leave it up to the police. The difference here seems to be everyone (students, administration and the police department) understands thousands of sheltered young adults who feel they can get away with almost anything. For instance, I once got arrested for starting a campfire on Northrop Mall and, even though I appeared before a judge downtown, there was never any discussion with the University about punishment. The bailiff, however, had these questions: “What kind of goddamn idiot would start a fire in the middle of campus? If you’re in college, how come you’re so stupid?”
My guess (and, please, this is only a guess) is if a janitor caught you screwing around in one of the classrooms at night, he might ignore you, yell at you or call the police, who will probably just tell you not to do it again. As long as you aren’t harassing anyone or trespassing or damaging tables, then you’re probably OK.
(Question: Where’s the craziest place you’ve had sex on campus? Write your story to me.)