Net: There’s a ver…

Net: There’s a very distinct smell of Newbie in the air.
They are out there, and they are many. They come from ponds big and small, from cities near and far. In our midst this day is the future of Networkia.
Hark! We must hear from these still-sheltered souls. We must come to know their fears, their worries, their vices, for if we shall ever prosper as one Network — under Net, indivisible, with liberty and Yudof for all — even the meek must be heard.
But first a word of caution.
For days upon weeks upon months we have seen the many a-troubled heart and mind amongst us, clothed in the suit of night, dealing in the palpable obscure. They lurk in only the uncomely regions of this hamlet, yet even here — where their overcast skies are pushed aside — their inimitable presence can be felt.
They are the Dryasdust. They are the aged, the ancient, the antiquated. They have been there, they have done that.
But they have not your spunk, Freshpeople — although they crave it as sure as the world turns.
Be not dismayed by their words, for they remember not who and what they once were. Even the most grizzled of the Dryasdust once strode upon the grounds of this campus as eager Freshpeople, their eyes aglow with the unencumbered joy of new life. But soon their gaze hardened, and they fell in line behind those who came before.
You may ask whether you are destined to follow path of the Dryasdust — a very real fear, indeed. And yet the answer is simple: ‘Tis your choice.
Should you choose to walk with the Dryasdust, your Net will still welcome you. But should you let the light into your heart, your Net will surround you and comfort you and let the light of true consciousness shine upon you, and ye shall someday inherit Networkia.
Good day, young and old, and Godspeed.
YOU’RE OUR ONLY HOPE
From Obi: Sheesh, such negative things being said these days. Net: Believe that!
Well I have some absolutely, positively nice stuff for ya. Wading through the seas of bright-eyed freshmen has gotten me thinking back to when I first came to this grand institution. Net: Wading through seas of little people reminds us of those years we spent working at a local Chuck E. Cheese. But that’s just us. And how I got my nickname! Yes, finally Obi is to reveal the story behind his nickname — and not do it in third person. Net: We’ll let him go. He’s on a roll.
A long time ago in a suburbia not too far away, I lived a quiet and simple life. The power of a force was just beginning to flow through me.
Many Net: (Read: somewhere between slim and none, and slim just left the building.) said that I seemed wise beyond my years, and indeed, I held great insight into the matters of life itself! Because of this, my younger sib and his friends started calling me Obi. I simply shrugged it off as nonsense, but that was to change. Coming to the University, I was quick to find a group of friends to call my own. Among those friends were two young ladies with whom I shared many a $5 bowl of cereal, Net: Whew! That was close. For a second there we thought we were reading Penthouse Forum. care of University Dining in the dorms. One day, while talking with these two friends, I overheard them speak about someone named Obi. Thinking how odd it was to have such a name, I asked who this person was. Net: Why didn’t you just pull some clever Jedi mind trick? Eliminate the middleman. Surprised was I to find out that it was me! Yes, they had given me the nickname of Obi. And so I decided then and there that I would keep that nickname as my own, and I have ever since. Net: And we all lived happily ever after. So there you have it, Net. Until next time, TTFN.
BITCH LINE

From Smelly Feet: Hey Net, top o’ the afternoon to ya! I have a question that maybe you or someone you know out in Netland Net: That’s Networkia to you, Carmen San Diego. can answer. Why is it that when you call the financial aid office to get a question answered (as I’ve done numerous times a day for the last three weeks to no avail) that no one answers the phone? Net: Three words: Sally Jesse Raphael. All you get is a little guy in the phone saying, “All lines busy. Please call back later.” Net: That’s actually SJR’s evil twin brother, Harry Jose. OK, well I’ve done that … too many times … and does anyone answer the damn phone? No. I mean, how much later is ‘later?’ Net: After consulting with our astrologist/pedicurist, we’ve determined that ‘later’ refers to a very specific point in time exactly several minutes and/or hours from this very moment. Give or take a few. After I graduate or what? My roomie got luckier than I did — she got put on hold for 10 minutes and then hung up. Net: Just like winning the lottery. Now, normally I just smile and nod when the wonderful bureaucrazies get out of hand Net: Not us. We go Nurse Ratched on those smug bastards. — this is the University, after all, and it’s to be expected. BUT, this nonanswering of the phones when I need MONEY is completely out of order and unacceptable. Have a nice day!
EARTH TO BUTTOCKS … COME IN,
From Buttocks McSpreadums: Yo, Net. Wuzz up.
Anyway, I am what you apparently call a “Newbie,” although I guess I’m wise to the ways of Networkia and all that. Net: The true essence of Networkia, gentle lad, is beyond the comprehension of us all. Indeed, even we are humbled by its awesome specter. I wish I could say the same about this University.
I’ve been here three years, but I have yet to see a policy change that makes things better. Net: Well, then, you shoulda gone to Hamline. But you went the bargain route, and you get what you pay for. I don’t wanna go into details; I’m content to droll on with lame, overgeneralized comments. Net: And do our job for us while you’re at it. But I just wanted to check in, ’cause I had a few minutes to blow before this Beatrice Net: (?) behind me at the iMac station threatens to kick my ass. Net: Although you neglected to make any kind of point at all, something tells us we should get together and go bowling. But go get yourself some Ritalin first. Later.