UNMITIGATED ANGER
From Yngwie: I have been absent lately, Net: Why? because there hasn’t been much to pique my interest around here. Net: We take that personally, but we’ll let it slide. Sundays are always a slow day. But I feel I must respond to PeeWee. Net: A helpful reminder: PeeWee wrote in last week advising that students drink and stay in school as long as possible because he doesn’t like working. That said, … I don’t know PeeWee, but I’m sure he’s a f*cking idiot. He, like many people, claim that the “real world” sucks. Net: We liked the Seattle season, but you can take the rest of the shows and flush ’em. Kinda like the rest of the Daily prior to Network. He has to get up at six in the morning or something, wah wah wah, b*tch b*tch b*tch … and life was so much better when he was gettin’ hammered at Sally’s. Net: Sally’s: For all your intoxication needs.
I’m sure I’m not the only one who sees the connection here. Net: We’re with ya. Sally is the first name of a certain blonde “actress” who appears on “TV” and sells “Thigh Masters.” PeeWee has probably seen the aforementioned show. Do we have to spell it out for you? This dick spent every waking hour of his collegiate career getting drunk, shriveling his penis, cultivating back hair, sleeping around with sorority girls who would make the whores in a Bangkok brothel blush, and generally showing utter disregard for learning and academics. Net: We support PeeWee on the first and last ones. There’s nothin’ wrong with alcohol ‘n no academics. Now he works 50 hours a week probably doing something like cleaning the nether-regions of rich old ladies with a washcloth.
Hmmm, might there be a connection here? Guess what, all you motherf*ckers out there, a diploma is not a money-making machine. Net: Ye gods! If you spent your time killing off your brain cells with the wacky tobaccy, skipping classes to sleep with Delta Gamma’s finest, and jerking off to the Sears summer insert Net: Mmmm … sweet, sweet summer two-pieces you are going to get all the sh*t jobs once you get into the big, bad real world.
I just don’t get it. It takes so damn little effort to graduate with high honors. Net: Honors schmonners. We prefer J.C. Penney’s ads. In my three-and-a-half years here (yes, I graduated in less than four years), I probably spent a grand total of five (5) hours of studying. If you took out the two classes I intentionally failed because the professors were idiots, I would have had something like a 3.9 GPA. Net: And if you forget about all the classes we got C’s and D’s in, we’d have a nonexistent GPA. I’ve even been in the real world ever since I got here. I have two jobs, I pay my bills, I have more plastic Net: G.I. Joe dolls? Bedsheets? than I ever need or use. But even the miniscule effort necessary for this is too much for PeeWee, and about half the students at this campus.
Gee, it’s almost too bad that I am done here. I won’t have the pleasure of sitting in class and hearing questions from college students so ignorant that they don’t know what a regressive tax is. Net: Or condescension. Ahh, yes. Sure, my life may be a little more boring; after all, I’ve never grabbed some waitress’ tit at Sally’s. But hey, I’m an egocentric Reverend, a Doctor of Divinity who sailed through here with no effort and can still claim the moral high ground. The University of Minnesota: Where you can graduate without really trying. No sympathy for the devil, PeeWee, and none for you. You just sh*t in your own nest, you terminal ‘sconnie dumbass.
AMISH BASTARDS
From Loosey: Net, dear, I’m back. Net: How you doin’? I just can’t seem to get enough of you while I’m stuck in this hell they call Pennsylvania. Net: Damn Amish, with their nonviolence and big black hats. Damn, damn Amish. I’ve written in a few times but I don’t call myself a regular (I think that designation comes from a higher source). Net: Uh, yeah, us.
But I hope, for the love of Pete, that Yonko NEVER becomes a regular. Net: So we’re in agreement then. But what about Yacko and Dot? What could be more fitting? He doesn’t want to become a regular and we don’t want him to, either!
First of all, Nate Melcher sucks. Net: That’s not what he says (or those few Melcher supporters who actually wrote in last week. We’re still suspicious of that …) That’s all there is to it.
And I love Garfield! Who the hell would ever pick Nate Melcher’s weak attempt at humor over Garfield? Net: Jim Davis. Secondly, it is possible for someone to like The Real Slim Shady, Britney Spears, and ‘N Sync. Net: We sincerely hope you’re not speaking from personal experience. *Shiver*
Actually, I was pondering that very same question this morning in the funeral home Net: Right, and we were thinking about it, too, while we were at the taxidermy and cheese place in ‘sconnie. Or not. — how on earth could I like the aforementioned artists and yet keep a collection of Janis Joplin, Pink Floyd, Pearl Jam and many other awesome groups? Net: You are Satan. I came to the conclusion that I have no idea what is wrong with me. Net: Prince of darkness. It must just be a phase … Net: 666. Thirdly, Biology 1009 is hell. Net: We took that class by accident when we were fresh people. Our C-plus was the fifth-highest grade in the section. Whoops. That’s why, back when I took the class on good ol’ quarters, I probably only attended about 10 lectures the entire quarter. It’s hell! Pure hell! But I did manage to get a C (just as I managed to get a C in human anatomy, I just found out! Yippee!). Net: The moral kids? Read the damn course guide with descriptions of the class before you register for a class. We were damn fools then. And now we’re just damn. Or fools. Whatever. It’s still early in the summer.
Well, Net, I’ve calmed down a lot since my last write-in. But at least I still have you. Net: You can always count on us, sugar cube. Catcha on the flip side.
